It is a new year, and with a new year comes new year’s resolutions. After what we have all had to deal with in the past few years, 2023 feels different. The typical resolutions of getting in shape or traveling more feel… lacking.
Thankfully, sex educator and all-around baddie Coach Catasha is here to offer some advice that can be applied beyond the bedroom and help you find your best self going into 2023.
From Craigslist Beginnings to Going Pro
I first met Coach Catasha at Atlanta’s Sex Down South, a sexual wellness conference created and run by black women. It is an incredible experience; you can read more about it below in my “Sex Down South” Conference 2022 article.
The first thing that jumped out at me, besides Catasha’s sparkling blue outfit, was how funny the Oklahoma-based sex educator was. To illustrate her philosophy of being non-judgemental and her dislike of avocados, she said “If y’all like eating avocado, y’all can’t judge me for eating ass.”
It should not be surprising that Coach Catasha was naturally hilarious, considering she was a professional comedian before becoming a sex educator in 2014.
Well, before she began getting paid to be a sex educator.
“I realized people needed to start paying me.” laughed Coach Catasha when I asked how she started. “I’ve always been that person,” she continues, “My mom was a reader, she had all of these erotic books and when she would go to work, I would sneak in there and read… I was always kind of drawn to that.”
“I was always interested in learning before participating so no one could make a fool of me,” Catasha explains. “I want to be good at everything I do, and I didn’t want [sex] to be an exception.”
Catasha was studying as much as she could get her hands on about sex and sexuality before she was even having sex. The other girls in her school knew about her sexy scholastics and would regularly come to her for advice.
This trend continued throughout college, where more than just Catasha’s know-how made people want to open up to her.
“I was always very comfortable with my sexuality and with myself,” Coach Catasha said. “People felt comfortable coming to me with this stuff because I was so comfortable with myself.”
After college, Catasha started doing comedy but didn’t feel like it was her calling. “I didn’t feel broken enough for comedy,” she said before laughing at my knowing sigh. “I was good at it, but I didn’t have the passion to want to be better at it.”
While she wasn’t getting up on stage anymore, Catasha wrote for other comedians as she continued looking for something to be passionate about. Noticing that there was a lack of no-nonsense sex ed, she saw her chance.
Catasha wanted to take her practical and non-judgemental style of sex education and start making some money.
Where does someone go for that?
“I started on Craigslist,” she said before adding “My God,” with a sigh and a laugh.
Many of you may be raising an eyebrow at this. I know I did. Craigslist is where you go for used Ikea furniture and parking lot handjobs, not sex education.
Well, the more you think about it, the more sense it makes.
“That place, like every other place, has people that need help and people don’t know where to get that,” she explained. “Sometimes they have what is considered a ‘weird’ issue, but that [sexual behavior] is not really the issue.”
“Like, some guy would say to me ‘hey, I like wearing women’s underwear’ and I’m like ‘okay’,” Coach Catasha acts out with a gesture that communicates a feeling of ‘so what?’.
“[Then he’ll say] ‘can you tell me why?’ and I’ll be like ‘Do you like the fabric? You tell me why. I like the fabric, why do you like it?’ and he says ‘Well, I’m not supposed to [like it]’ and I’ll say ‘Who told you that?’”
“It’s always something like that,” Coach Catasha continues. “It’s always someone who thinks they are doing this ‘deviant’ behavior, and there in this place where this ‘deviant’ behavior [causes shame], then they come to me and I tell them they’re fine.”
“Most of what I do is telling people they are fine,” says Coach Catasha. “They are paying me, but I have the knowledge to explain why they are [really] fine… I’ll explain how [their behavior] is a common thing, or their issue is common in these certain groups of people, and ways people use to work on those issues.”
“There are a multitude of ways [to work on issues], but there is nothing wrong with you,” Catasha says. “You just need to move past that part to figure out why you like it so you can lean into it… As long as it’s legal and everyone is a consenting adult, you can have the time of your life.”
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Actual Sex Education
Catasha goes on to explain that most people aren’t aware of their freedom to enjoy themselves. She says most people are stuck with the mindset of accepting what you get and not what you want.
Going down this route means people leading an unfulfilling sex life or worse.
Letting folks learn about something as important as sex and sexuality this way is a major problem that stems from how those things are taught, especially in public schools.
Catasha doesn’t totally agree with that idea for an understandable reason.
“I don’t think Sex Education is being taught,” says Catasha. “[Sex Education] is not being taught, and because of that we are purposely allowing trauma to teach people about sex. A lot of people have negative experiences around regular sexual things.”
“That comes from the way the situation was handled,” she continues “Because you didn’t know anything, you are just thrown into the situation and you have to learn through trauma.”
It is true that the state of Sex Ed in America is abysmal.
Yes, there are no national or even state regulations or guides on what needs to be taught, leading to inconsistent information being passed on to kids. That is assuming they are being taught anything beyond abstinence in the first place.
The motivation behind this lack of real sexual education is, as always, driven by religious puritanical ideas. Catasha offers a different solution by removing the “magic” around sex.
Taking away the spiritualism and morality around sex helps break it down into a workable process.
“We don’t tell people that everything in life is processes, including sex,” Coach Catasha says. “Even if [a] process fails at this point, there is always a way around this process. Some people hit that point where they hit a wall and the process breaks and they give up or they don’t know [what to do].”
“Learning pleasure right now could be rooted in trauma. Especially if we expect someone to go out, have sex with someone and let them have sex with them, see if that’s what they like, and then go do it over and over again.”
“That is not f*cking practical.” says Coach Catasha.
So, how do we learn what we like and what we want to steer clear of? Catasha helps by looking at sex as practically as possible.
In writing her first book, Headhunters Guide, a guide to giving stellar blowjobs, Coach Catasha approached the subject in the driest fashion.
“I had done live classes, where I’m there and can help in the moment,” recalls Catasha. “[For the book] I looked up everything about ‘how to give a blowjob’ everywhere. It was all ‘relax’ or ‘use your hand’, ‘talk to your partner’. There was nothing like ‘what to do with your teeth’ or ‘how to breathe’ and I’m like ‘Well, no wonder everyone thinks it sucks [to suck]’.”
There is a lack of easy-to-find tutorials for sex out there, ones where every step is laid out and tips for troubleshooting.
Coach Catasha wanted to fix that with her process-oriented approach.
“I was thinking ‘let me see if I can write that down’,” continued Catasha. Her experience in the corporate world of being a project manager helped her break down every step in giving head and how to maximize efficiency.
“I wanted it to be structured like a manual for a leaf blower,” she said.
“Every single thing about it gave the perspective that you were reading a manual. That this is a process. I give the technical information so you can start from there, and then add intimacy and other stuff like that.”
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Taking what could seem like an ephemeral and complex subject and turning it into a simple and technical process is a surprisingly genius idea. When that mindset is combined with the removal of judgment, then you have a winning recipe for killing it in 2023.
Be the Baddest Bitch You Can Be in 2023
We have all spent the last few years trapped inside our homes and our minds. While things are finally starting to feel a bit more normal in 2023, the scars of years in isolation and fear are still there.
Getting back into the swing of things is no easy task. Thanks to Coach Catasha, we now understand that everything can be simplified into a practical process.
But what about how we see ourselves? Can Coach Catasha’s teachings be used outside of the bedroom to help us get out of our heads and back into the world?
Absolutely.
Back when I sat in on her talk at Sex Down South, it was the real-world application of her ideas that made a lasting impression. Her catchphrases of “walk in your purpose” and “show up for yourself” echo out into more than just relationships and sex.
Catasha is a sex educator, but sex can act as a jumping-off point to deeper issues.
“Everything you need is within you. If I get you to work on yourself enough to believe in you, then I can get you where you need to go.” says Coach Catasha.
Confidence and knowing your value as a unique person is a cornerstone of having a healthy lifestyle. We all know that, but it is harder to walk the walk than talk the talk.
Putting yourself out there and into a new environment, whether to find love or try new things, can be nerve-wracking. Catasha says that the key is being comfortable in your own body.
“It’s you just being the best you in that space,” Catasha says. “I think when people go into [new] spaces they worry, thinking ‘I don’t look how I’m supposed to look in these spaces, I’m uncomfortable. I don’t look like the other people in this space’.”
“That’s not how I go into those spaces,” she continues. “I go into those spaces knowing I’m going to be the baddest bitch in that space, no matter who is in there… All you have to do is be comfortable being you.”
“By presenting as the person you are, you attract the type of people that you want,” says Coach Catasha. “A lot of my work is telling people they are enough and you deserve whatever type of relationship you want.”
Catasha offers an example with “If you want the type of relationship where you come home to a partner wearing a pony costume, there is someone out there who has a pony costume ready for you to come home to. But, they need to know where you at.”
“What is important to me is giving people the freedom to explore and be in that and know that they are okay,” Catasha says. “Whatever you’re into, there is a community for it.”
Finding your community has never felt more paradoxical than it has in the 2020s. The internet has given us a whole world at our fingertips where we can find others who share our passions and desires.
Unfortunately, thanks to the last few years of isolation and chaos, the world has never felt more out of reach.
Coach Catasha has noticed this trend with her clients. “A lot of people are now coming out of the house, feeling different about their bodies, [are] in different relationships, maybe there were some breakups, or other things changed. This is a really good time to work on yourself.”
“There are things that you need that you need to learn to give yourself,” Coach Catasha says. “When you come out of this hole, don’t come out looking for someone to love you, I want you to come out of this hole looking for ways to love yourself.”
“I want that list to be as big and long as f*cking possible,” Catasha continues. “I want it to go from getting a manicure to flying to Bali on a whim.”
“Spend the rest of your life learning how to love yourself. If you do that someone will come along,” says Coach Catasha. “I don’t necessarily mean a partner, but you’ll start attracting friends who are on the same shit. It will change the energies around you and change the cycle of your life.”
Taking the time to find what makes you happy and focusing on yourself tends to fall by the wayside for most of us. We get distracted trying to fit into what everyone else says we should be, that we are not sexy enough or successful enough, and we forget to work on ourselves.
Coach Catasha wants to reframe how we see ourselves.
“Your job is to be the baddest you in any room you walk into.” Catasha explains.
The past three years have taken so much away from so many, but that doesn’t mean there is not an opportunity to come back into the world better than ever.
Put Me In, Coach!
Coach Catasha comes to Sex Education from a refreshing perspective. By removing the mystical morality drilled into many people and treating sex as a practical process, Coach Catasha helps open doors for people to get out of their heads and enjoy life.
By following her philosophy of getting out of your head, showing up for yourself, and being open to new possibilities of joy, we can shake off the dust of the last few years and become the bad bitch we were meant to be.
Visit her site expressionoverrepression.com for more information on her classes and books, including her latest Headhunters Guide: Ode to the Munch and her 28-day self-care journals.
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