The kink and BDSM community is enormous and growing every day. New people join BDSM dating sites like Fetlife to explore the sexy possibilities and meet like-minded playmates to learn from.
One specific naughty noob happens to be my younger brother.
Here is a first-hand account of someone with almost zero kink or BDSM experience getting dropped, um, feet first into their local kink community.
We’ll look at why they joined, what their experience was like, and the surprisingly wholesome lessons they’ve learned.
“So… something happened…”
I was visiting my wife’s family when I got the call.
It was right after my birthday, so I wasn’t too shocked to see my younger brother’s name pop up on my phone. I enjoy chatting with my brother, who has asked to be referred to as Nemo here, because he is kind of a fascinating pile of contradictions.
Nemo is an alpha male leftist. A New England-born-and-bred cis het firefighter/tattoo artist/EMT who makes homophobic jokes while wearing flamboyant outfits so he can fight and beat up actual homophobes who yell in the street.
He’s a feminist who is brimming with toxic masculinity. He’s built like a fridge with a mean mug that instantly endears him to babies and grandmas.
Sometimes, you want to kill him but he’s also the first person you think of when you need help.
I knew I was in for some sort of surprise when he called, but I never expected this.
“So, something happened and I knew you would want to hear about it,” Nemo said with a chuckle. I knew it was going to be a story about some sexual escapade, which in his stories usually take place in a bar bathroom or his pickup truck.
“I got tricked into going to a kink meeting,” Nemo explained. “It was some kind of mixer for people on this site.”
“Fetlife?” I asked.
“See, I knew you’d know what it was. My friend told me it was a singles night and she signed me up. I didn’t even know it was a BDSM thing until I ran into the girl from high school who started my obsession with redheads.”
“[Name Redacted]?” I asked
“Yuuuuuuuuup.” Nemo answered.
“Holy shit, she’s on Fetlife?”
“Uh, no,” Nemo started to explain. “She was working the bar where the meet up was. She was flirting with me for minute, like ‘Nemo, you got hot’ and shit, until she saw the name tag I was wearing. She knew before I did what was going on there.”
“Look,” I interrupted, “I do really want to hear the rest of this, but I have to run back inside. Let me text you when I get back to my place next week and we’ll set up an interview.”
We said goodbye and I went about my visit.
After getting back, I sent him a message asking if he went back to the meeting. He told me not only has he been going regularly to the local dungeon, but he’s become very popular.
“I guess I’m a bull, whatever that is.” He told me.
My brother the bull. Thanksgiving is going to be interesting this year.
What Happened At The Sex Dungeon
So, how did my brother stumble into this world?
Most dungeons and kink clubs have a membership process and you need to be nominated by a member or be part of a larger community like Fetlife. This is usually for safety, both physical and emotional. No one wants some rando with massive hang-ups spoiling a good time.
“My friend told me it was a singles night,” Nemo explained. “She said ‘I’ll set you up a profile on the site’”
He didn’t know that the site in question was Fetlife, one of the largest online communities for kinksters in the world. Nemo had never heard of it and has pretty much no experience in the BDSM or kink world.
At least, not in a communal sense.
“Basically, my experience has been doing f**ked up shit when I was 19 or 20. Like house party stuff, not caring if anyone was watching.”
He told me that more than a few ladies he’d hooked up with in recent years wanted to have him engage in BDSM activities like bondage, spanking, choking, etc.
“My problem is that I don’t know how to do those things safely,” said Nemo. “I don’t want to do it wrong or hit too hard and hurt someone.”
Nemo is a pretty big guy, about 5’ 10” and built like a meat cube. He’s really strong and I could see why he’d be concerned about losing control or going too hard.
It turns out there was actually a much more wholesome reason that Nemo’s mischievous friend decided to sign my brother up for a kink meet-up.
“I had a girlfriend ask me once what I like,” Nemo said, “and I realized I have no idea what I like.”
“I’ve always just been like a Golden Retriever,” he continued. “I’m just happy to be here and thanks for the walk. So, I never really thought about what I was into.”
When he told his friend that story, she got the idea to send him to the Fetlife world to explore. It genuinely warmed my heart that my gruff asshole of a brother was genuinely seeking self-care and exploration.
Also, part of me is glad she didn’t tell him what the event was. It isn’t cool to lie to your friends, but she knew how to get Nemo where he needed to be.
“She told me it was a singles night at a barcade,” explained Nemo. “So, there’s alcohol, video games, singles and alcohol. I mentioned that twice because it’s important to me.”
His friend said she would set his profile up and for him to not worry about what site it is.
“Turns out everyone knows what Fetlife is except for me.” Nemo chuckled.
Nemo said besides the awkward interaction with his high school crush, most of the night was just like any other he had experienced in a bar: nice people, good conversation, and drinks. The biggest event of note came at the end of the night.
“Some people gave my number to these people that host at a playground,” Nemo said. “They texted me and said ‘hey, we don’t normally hit people up, but if you’re interested we’d love to have you come join us.’”
I guess Nemo made quite the impression.
The “playground” he’s referring to is the RI Playground, a popular sex club in Providence. Nemo was invited to “Fusion Friday”, which is a big ass house party for kinky swingers where all are welcome.
Nemo sent the required details and a picture of his face. Considering we share the family trait of “resting murder face”, I’d be very curious to see what pic Nemo sent along.
“They said Fusion Fridays are more of a chill meet up,” Nemo continued. “There will be people showing how to do stuff and there are swingers, but that’s not a big part of it. Like, rooms are available if people want to play.”
When Nemo went to The Playground, he immediately reccognized a few people who he already knew. Seriously, this kid can’t go anywhere without bumping into people.
Each party silently agreed to stay clear of each other and not make eye contact, at least that’s how he saw it.
“Why was that important to you?” I asked. It’s not like Nemo is shy about his sexual prowess or escapades.
“It wasn’t so much that it was important to me,” he explained. “It’s just more that, like, I don’t know the rules. Like, let’s get into that. My biggest fear going into this is that I don’t know what the rules are.”
“…It’s its own culture with its own internal politics and interactions…I know consent is key, but I’m new in this world and I don’t want to be rude.”
Minding your manners at the sex dungeon. Mom would be so proud.
“This is all new for me,” Nemo said. “Like, I’ve never walked up to a dude and said ‘I want to f**k your wife’… well, [haven’t done that] sober.”
Nemo did note that his aversion to talking to people he knew from daily life was not coming from shame. Again, it was coming from a place of propriety.
“No one’s sexual lifestyle should ever be commented on at work by a coworker,” Nemo said. “…If we have to sit across from each other at a meeting in six weeks, let’s just be adults about this.”
Nemo spent most of the first evening on the outside porch, drinking and smoking while making new friends.
There was one incident where he was asked to leave a story time put on by “littles”, people who enjoy acting like children.
After receiving a blowjob from someone he didn’t know was a “little”, Nemo was invited to their story time. BJs and books, what’s better than this?
“They were reading adult-themed children’s books like Everyone Loves My Big Black Hawk to a room full of adults sitting criss-cross-applesauce, and I was asked to leave because I couldn’t stop laughing.”
Besides the mild awkwardness at the start, Nemo sang the praises of everyone he met. He said the owners and guests were all so polite and welcoming. Many of them would invite Nemo to other events or for him to join in their playtime.
While all of the attention and sex is great, Nemo is here to explore more about himself. So, what has he learned so far?
Lessons He’s Learned So Far
This whole endevor was kicked off by Nemo not knowing or ever exploring what he enjoys. He has said that everyone he has met through his local kink community has been not only welcoming, but patient and willing to teach.
Inside the lessons around basics like rope tying or how to properly flog someone, Nemo has learned a bit more about what he enjoys and what he doesn’t.
So far, the process is going slowly. Nemo has learned a bit of what he isn’t very into, like flogging or being flogged, but isn’t too concerned about finding his kink.
“I’m letting it happen organically, come what may,” Nemo intentionally punned. “I haven’t found anything that really revs my engine yet.”
The most interesting thing Nemo has experienced is not actually sexual at all.
The openness and acceptance of the kink community was something refreshing and relaxing for Nemo.
“It’s great because that’s the culture I haven’t been around in a while,” said Nemo. “For the last 15 years I’ve been around construction workers and douchebags where I don’t agree with anything they’re saying…and I have to keep my mouth shut.”
Even for a cis het dude in New England, just having to listen to bigotry and trying to get through the day is exhausting. The Playground’s diverse and loving community has been a nice vacation from all of that.
“Everyone has been so welcoming and not predatory,” Nemo said. “That’s been a huge comfort for me.”
My Brother, the Bull
When I first got Nemo’s call, I assumed this would be an amusing series of spicy madcap stories that are common with my brothers. What I didn’t expect was how emotionally resonant Nemo’s journey would be.
Sure, for him most of the fun is going to a bar where it is easier to get laid, but Nemo’s commitment to self-exploration and getting in touch with his sexuality is just as exciting and important.
Finding a space where he can just relax and not deal with the hateful comments of the outside world and just have fun.
Nemo is still pretty new to the world of BDSM and kink, but he seems to have really taken to it and is growing as person. Especially where we grew up, there is so much stigma around masc men learning about their bodies and seeking forms of pleasure outside of the heteronormative idea of sex.
I am actually very proud of Nemo, but don’t tell him I said that.
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