Spit and polish

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Each week, Dan Savage is here to answer your burning sex questions.

Q: I’m a 31-year-old cis bisexual woman. I’m hetero-romantic and in a monogamish relationship with a man. We play with other people together.

I’ve never liked giving blowjobs because I was taught that girls who give blowjobs are “sluts.” Phrases that are meant to be insulting like “You suck,” “Suck it,” “Go suck a dick,” etc. created a strong association in my mind between blowjobs and men degrading women. (Men take what they want, and women get used and called sluts.) 

As such, I never sucked much dick – and if I did, it was only briefly and never to completion. I also find spit and come kind of gross. Even when I get really wet during sex, it’s a bit of a turnoff, and I hate that it makes me feel gross and wish I could change my thinking around it. 

Early in our relationship, my husband noticed the lack of blowjobs and confronted me, saying they were really important to him. At first I felt a little insecure about being inadequate in this area, but then I decided to do some research because I honestly thought it wasn’t just me and most women don’t like giving blowjobs. (Because how could they? It’s so demeaning!) 

But I learned lots of my female friends enjoy giving blowjobs – they like being in control, giving a partner pleasure, etc. – so I googled ways to start liking blowjobs and I’ve started to get into them! It’s great! Except I still don’t like when he comes in my mouth or if a blowjob gets super spitty.

But my husband loves sloppy blowjobs; he says the lubrication feels good and he enjoys the “dirtiness” of it. If I know he’s getting close to coming or if it gets super wet and I have spit all over my face, my gag reflex activates and it’s hard to continue. I feel like I’m at an impasse. I want to give him the blowjobs he wants, but I don’t know how to get around (or hopefully start enjoying!) the super-sloppy-through-to-completion blowjobs he likes. Do you have any advice?

– Sloppy Oral Always Keeps Erections Drenched

You play with other people together, SOAKED, but have you tried observing – by which I mean actively observing, by which I mean actually participating – while your husband gets a sloppy blowjob from someone who really enjoys giving them? If someone else was blowing your husband while you made out with him or sat on his face or played with his tits or whatever might enhance the experience for him … and you watched another woman choke that dick down… you might come to appreciate what’s in it for the person giving the sloppy blowjob.

Most people who were taught that girls who give blowjobs are sluts were also taught that open relationships are wrong and women who have sex with other women are going to hell. You got over what you were taught about monogamish relationships and being bisexual years ago, SOAKED, and recently got over what you were taught about women who enjoy sucking cock. While some people have physical limitations they can’t overcome – some gag reflexes are unconquerable – watching someone enjoy something you don’t can make you want to experience it yourself.

“Even if sloppy blowjobs are something you have to outsource permanently, you and your husband can enjoy years of sloppy blowjobs together, with the assistance of a series of very special (and very slutty) guest stars.” 

But even if your observations don’t trigger a desire to get down there and get sloppy and swallow his load yourself, your husband would be getting the kind of blowjobs he enjoys most and you would be an intrinsic part of them. If you set up the date, you’d be making them happen, even if you weren’t doing them. And if you were into the scenario and/or the other woman – if the whole thing got you off, not just off the hook – then there would be something in it for you, too.

And take it from me, SOAKED, to be kissed with both passion and gratitude by, say, a husband (ahem) who’s really enjoying something someone else is doing for/to him – whether or not that something is something you also enjoy doing for/to him from time to time – is really fucking hot. So even if you never come around – even if sloppy blowjobs are something you have to outsource permanently – you and your husband can enjoy years of sloppy blowjobs together, with the assistance of a series of very special (and very slutty) guest stars. And you can always get those blowjobs started – the non-sloppy, non-spitty initial phase – before passing the baton off to your guest star.

Q: Married 40-year-old gay guy here. I hate beards – the look, the feel, the smell – and I miss the good old days when the only beards gay dudes had were metaphorical. 

When I got back from a long business trip, my hot, sexy, previously smooth husband of many years was sporting a beard. Unsurprisingly, I hate it and find it to be a complete turnoff. 

However, he says this is controlling behavior on my part, it’s his body and his choice, and he’s hurt that I’m rejecting him. He also says I’ll get used to it and he doesn’t plan to keep it forever. 

I agree that it’s his body and his choice, but I think he should still take me into consideration, and that it’s actually him who’s rejecting me, by choosing the beard over me. What’s your take?

– Spouse’s Hairiness Averts Virile Erection

I’m with you, SHAVE, but I’m also with him. It is his body, and growing a beard is something he can choose to do with the face section of his body. 

But that my body/my choice stuff cuts both ways: Your body is yours, and what you do with your body is your choice. And you can choose not to press your body against his – or press your face against his – while he’s got a beard. If long business trips are a regular part of your life, maybe he could grow his beard out in your absence and shave when you get home. (Full disclosure: I have a pronounced anti-beard bias, which means I’m not exactly impartial.)

Q: I’m a 30-year-old queer cis woman and a late bloomer. My first relationship – with a hetero cis man – began when I was 28. He was my first sexual partner. I fell in love hard, but he broke up with me after almost two years. 

Months later, I know I’m not ready to fall in love again, but I have a high sex drive. I masturbate frequently, but when I think about playful/romantic sex, the only memories I have are with the ex, which makes me sad. So I watch rough porn, which keeps me from thinking about the ex. 

But watching bondage videos alone isn’t the sex life I want. Should I Tinder or Lex up some rough casual sex? Get drunk and get some more memories in the mix? (I don’t think I could get out of my head enough to do this sober.) 

Assuming I minimize the risks of pregnancy and STIs and partners that are bad at consent, what’s the risk of going for it? How does it compare to the risk of getting stuck in this nowhere land and never finding a new love/sex buddy? Or maybe I need to get drunk and jerk off alone without the porn and just feel all my feelings and avoid any risk of crying on some poor stranger?

– I Need A Plan Today

“Masturbate to kink porn and feel dirty, masturbate to your memories and feel sad, and put yourself out there on Tinder and Lex and see if there isn’t someone who intrigues you.”

Do it all, INAPT. Masturbate to kink porn and feel dirty, masturbate to your memories and feel sad, and put yourself out there on Tinder and Lex and see if there isn’t someone who intrigues you. But stop telling yourself you can’t find romance with a partner you first met up with for rough sex. 

I know lots of people who first met up with someone for rough sex, clicked on a deeper level, started dating, and have since enjoyed years of sex that’s both rough and loving. 

Finally, booze has a way of intensifying feelings of sadness – so if you don’t want to wind up sobbing on the shoulder of some poor stranger, don’t get drunk before that hookup.

On the Lovecast, all things weed with Lester Black: savagelovecast.com.

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