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Elvis or The Beatles? Marvel or DC? Is pineapple on pizza delicious or an unholy abomination? Some debates will rage on for eternity, but one of the most hotly contested is casual sex versus relationship sex.
Some stand by the freedom and variety of non-commital encounters, while others say connection enhances the experience. Everyone has an opinion when it comes to, well, coming.
So which is it?
The short answer is that there isn’t one. Much like the other examples, it is a matter of personal taste, and no one is right or wrong—even fans of pineapple on pizza.
No matter if a person is in a thriving relationship with a partner or a thriving relationship with themselves, both lifestyles come with challenges and rewards.
If things are staying hot and fun, considering a change seems absurd. When challenges arise, the grass may seem greener on the other side of the commitment fence.
Are monogamous couples missing out on all the fun or are single folks deprived of something more?
It’s not just about sex – it’s about stress
Before getting right into the bedroom, or wherever you choose to bone, there’s a lot to consider. Having a no-strings-attached attitude may sound like a breeze, but it is anything but.
Think about each step from deciding to try getting laid to actually achieving it. Even with the best modern hookup apps, the amount of hoops to jump through is exhausting and stressful. Not to mention the non-consensual cornfield of photos women have to put up with.
All of your time, effort and money could lead to an evening of screaming orgasms or just screaming. Dating is like a choose-your-own-adventure novel written by Stephen King.
Relationships are no walk in the park, either.
Once the honeymoon phase ends, the real work begins. As time moves on, comfort can turn into staleness. Keeping things spicy can be difficult, especially if there was some sort of global event that severely cut down options for safely experiencing new things. Speaking as someone who got married in early February 2020, society suddenly crumbling is kind of a mood killer.
Shocking, I know.
It doesn’t matter if you are single and loving it or attached at the hip to someone… stress is universal. Stress, especially the kind we’ve all experienced the past few years, can severely impact sex drive and performance. Putting a priority on self-care is difficult, but necessary for a healthy sex life.
Sex with a partner – boring, or repeated to perfection?
There is a tired trope that marriage is a death sentence for great sex. Sleeping with the same person over and over leads to boredom and that’s why having a plethora of new people is better.
Variety is the spice of life, but that variety doesn’t always mean needing to change partners.
There are countless ways couples can shake things up and try new ways of getting each other off. Having a spontaneous nooner on the couch, sliding on some lingerie and a wig, switching up who is wearing the lingerie and wig, the list goes on and on.
Variety is great, but there is something to be said for familiarity.
One pitfall of having a new playmate is the learning curve involved. One person might melt at tongue around their ear where another would cringe. There is going to be a few minutes of fumbling at the beginning that will, hopefully, pay off. Exploring someone’s body for the first time is very hot, but a partner that already knows what buttons to push is even hotter.
Practice makes perfect, after all.
Condoms, STDs, and the necessary evil of Safe Sex
In terms of sex actually feeling better, there is one advantage the committed crowd has: No condoms.
Well, a lot of the time anyway.
When you and your mate know and trust each other, out go the latex oven mitts that cut off so much feeling. Having sex without a condom for the first time is like eating at a Michelin-Star restaurant when all you’ve ever known is McDonald’s.
A Big Mac is great, but this is another level.
Obviously, not everyone needs to glove up when getting down. Even in those cases, practicing safe sex is paramount when heading into the wilderness of hook-up culture.
Infections and viruses aren’t the only safety concern when engaging with a new partner. For women, meeting a new man requires a level of caution that is downright depressing.
Some common safety tips include letting a third party know where you are going and who with, keeping to well-lit and populated areas, and only going to a new location if you feel extremely confident you can quickly escape.
When women need the same advice to date as they do to climb a mountain, society has dropped the ball.
Of course, an element of danger can be very erotic, but the danger needs to be within controlled limits. A feeling of safety and comfort is important for all parties involved, whether it’s two people or a full-blown orgy. It is very hard to get in the groove if your eyes are constantly darting around for an exit.
The warm, fluffy, and emotional side of sex – “making love”
Speaking of safety and comfort, what about the emotional aspect of sex? Conventional wisdom claims having sex without love or a romantic connection is the lesser form. Great sex with a stranger is possible, but that doesn’t hold a candle to “making love”.
Ew, I know. Ew.
As nauseating as that phrase is, there is some truth to it. Sex mixed with powerful emotions can elevate every aspect of pleasure. Everyone at one point has blurted out those three little words when in the throes of passion. Ever look deep into someone’s eyes as they climax?
It’s like seeing into their soul.
Philosophers and poets can claim this feeling is ineffable, even for the very “effable” (sorry, couldn’t help myself). If we are being perfectly honest, the grand mystery of love is pretty simple here. In order to have mind-blowing sex, you need to get out of your head and be in the present moment.
Relaxation and confidence lead to communication and connection. Building that sort of physical rapport takes time and trust — two stalwarts of a healthy relationship.
The term “meaningless sex” is often tied to casual fun, which feels very judgmental and dismissive. Sex isn’t meaningless if the meaning is to just have sex. Not being in a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean intimacy goes out the window.
In a 2018 study conducted by The Kinsey Institute and Binghamton University, researchers found that while those in relationships are more likely to engage in intimate activity, the rate of intimacy in the casual group was much higher than originally hypothesized.
According to researcher Anne M. Merriwether:
“We have a stereotype that casual sex (hookups) are just about meaningless sex, but this research shows this is not necessarily true,” said Merriwether. “It shows intimacy is important and desired by many people, especially those who prefer hookups to more traditional relationships.”
This finding is solidified by the idea of “friends with benefits”, aka “FWB” or “F*ck Buddies.” This refers to an emotionally platonic relationship where having sex for fun is on the table.
Romantic Comedies love using this as a launching-off point for some sort of whirlwind romance where two life-long friends realize they actually have hidden feelings for each other. The only thing in those movies more unrealistic is the idea that two best friends played by some of the most gorgeous people on the planet waited this long to hook up.
Justin and Mila? Please.
Ideally, an FWB is someone you care about and trust that wants to have a good time without making things awkward. Having sex with a friend can be both intimate and uncomplicated. Ask anyone who worked in the restaurant industry or was a Performing Arts Major.
So, what kind of sex is actually best?
Perhaps unsurprisingly, there is no clear winner in this battle between relationship sex and casual hooking up. Sex not only changes from partner to partner, but encounter to encounter.
You can have sex worthy of the top OnlyFans accounts or FailArmy, depending on which way the wind blows that day.
A married couple can have a night of animalistic passion one night and some lazy humping the next. A single person can suffer through a string of disappointments or have a stranger make them come so hard they could give Odin a high-five.
Reddit user u/poesie broke down the Casual Sex vs. Relationship Sex debate nicely in a discussion in r/Askwomen:
Depends how you define casual sex in how it differs. My opinion:
- Sex with a bf in a good relationship: the best.
- Sex with a bf in a dead relationship: the worst.
- Sex because of great attraction and mutual respect: hot.
- Sex with an FWB: can vary. Usu. good because you know one another, trust one another.
- Sex as an ONS: can vary. Nothing ‘extra’ sometimes.
Although there are multiple ways to have multiple partners, making sure you have great sex consistently is no walk in the park.
Still, so long as everyone is consenting and down to play, no one intrinsically has better sex than anyone else. It comes down to communication, comfort, and connection. Relationship or not, we all have holes that need filling.
Emotional ones, too.
