Calendar: Jan. 9-16

You can't find that damn remote for a reason. Get up and get out this week

A collection of sex toys
There’s no better way to woo someone than with dirty jokes and competitive trivia of a sexual nature. No. Better. Way. It’s all on display Jan. 15 at J.D. McGillicuddy’s. | Image provided

FRIDAY, JANUARY 10

Pit Hair

Smelly, unsightly and overgrown – luckily, this band is nothing like that. These Philly punks are exactly the kind of body hair you’d want to keep around. They can get a little filthy when they need, but when has that been a bad thing? | 7:45 pm. $6. The Barbary, 951 Frankford Ave. eventbrite.com

Kurt Crandall

This guy is giving us all the blues that we need to get us through this cold winter. His crooning hearkens back to the old-school styles of blues that we all know and love. He covers the classics and writes his own contemporary tunes. | 9 pm. Free. The Twisted Tail, 509 2nd St. eventbrite.com

Bowie Masquerade Ball

Let’s dance. Put on your most mysterious mask and get lost on the floor. Not too lost, though – keep yourself standing out in the crowd enough to win the costume contest. Dance the blues to show some love to cancer research at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. | 10 pm. $10. Ruba Club, 416 Green St. eventbrite.com

Young Professionals Night: Power Patterns

Dress outside of your comfort zone for the night. Throw on the brightest patterns in your wardrobe for a night of networking among some exceptional art. Make some successful friends and catch the current exhibit “30 Americans” in its final days. | 7 pm. $40. The Barnes Foundation, 2025 Benjamin Franklin Pkwy. barnesfoundation.org

Karaoke Gung Show: The Boring Twenties

Skeletor hosts this karaoke showdown where participants have to sing before the gong gets banged. Get your words out before you’re faced with the inevitable bang. If you’re lucky, he’ll like you. | 9 pm. Free. World Cafe Live, 3025 Walnut St. eventbrite.com

The Moon Landing Was a Hoax

The views expressed here don’t necessarily reflect our own. We’re just here to fawn over these guys and their amazing name. It sounds like they’re about to present us with some top secret government information, so maybe we should all sit down, shut up and listen. | 8:30 pm. $10. Bourbon and Branch, 705 N. 2nd St. eventbrite.com

The Teens: New Year Chamolutions

Laugh your way into the new year at this indie comedy show. It should be one of your New Year’s resolutions to catch up with local talent. Fulfill that goal with this bi-weekly show featuring a local improv comedy group. | 8:30 pm. $5. Headlong, 1170 S. Broad St. facebook.com

Sound & Vision Happy Hour

What would Bowie want us to do right now? Dance our asses off. Do exactly that at this all vinyl go-go party in his honor. A portion from Young American Sour sales will be going to CHOP. | 6 pm. Free. The Trestle Inn, 339 N. 11th St. facebook.com

SATURDAY, JANUARY 11

SWAY

Welcome back to one of Philly’s biggest monthly queer parties. Vogue to tunes from all queer/trans/POC DJs. Get there early to catch an amazing drag king pre-show featuring Philly’s hottest performers. | 9 pm. $7-$17. Tabu, 254 S. 12th St. eventbrite.com

Method Man and Redman

We’re sure you’re familiar with these guys – if you aren’t, there’s just no excuse. They revolutionized the hip-hop genre by breaking out as solo artists after their time with the Wu Tang Clan and the Def Squad. Don’t take this lightly – rap royalty is coming to town. | 9 pm. $45. The Ave Live, 520 N. Columbus Blvd. eventbrite.com

Motion City Soundtrack

This band just reminds us of some genuinely good times. We loved being able to enjoy their music in our teen years, and we’re so lucky we’re still able to today. Let loose with some fun-loving pop-punks. | 8 pm. $32.50. The Fillmore, 29 E. Allen St. facebook.com

Arts & Crafts Crafternoon: Dream Boards

New year, new visions. Encourage your kids to set goals and use their imaginations to lay out what they want 2020 to look like for him. It’s always beneficial to give your kids practice with manifesting their dreams. | 11 am. Prices vary. Amalgam Comics and Coffeehouse, 2578 Frankford Ave. eventbrite.com

Middleditch & Schwartz

Each hilarious on their own, but better together. It’s incredible that genuinely hilarious guys like these two have made their way into the mainstream. We can’t get enough of seeing them on our TVs, and we can’t wait to finally see them with our own eyes in our city. | 8 pm. $39.50-$49.50. The Met Philly, 858 N. Broad St. themetphilly.com

Wildseed: A Seat at the Table

Are you a woodworking woman? A poet? A seat is reserved just for you at this artistic poet showcase. Share the work that means something to you with a group of women who are no strangers to being creative. | 6 pm. $15. The Center for Art in Wood, 141 N. 3rd St. eventbrite.com

Study Hall

We probably would’ve paid more attention in our college lectures if our professors were entertaining. Luckily, profs at local schools will be turning to comedians to make their material funny at this show. The comedians will take the lessons and make them into laughable sketches. You may actually learn something if you can keep it together. | 7 pm. $12. Philly Improv Theater, 2030 Sansom St. eventbrite.com

Every Anus is a Portal

It’s so much more than an exit for your bowel movements. This workshop will focus on harnessing the energy and power of the sphincter. Forget everything you’ve learned and maintain an open mind. | 12 pm. $15-$50. Mascher Space Cooperative, 2519 Germantown Ave. hanavanderkolkinphilly.bpt.me

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12

Cutthroat Queens

This is the drag version of Cutthroat Kitchen. Queens each have $150 to pay for sabotages against their competitors. In the end, the shadiest – and richest – bitch will come out on top. | 10:30 pm. Free. Tabu, 254 S. 12th St. facebook.com

Everclear at the NAMM Show 2018

Art Alexakis

This guy has led the alt-rock band Everclear to greatness throughout his music career. It’s now his time to find that same success with a solo run. Show some love for this living legend. | 8 pm. $24-$34. City Winery, 990 Filbert St. citywinery.com

A Snowy Bowie Skate

An all Bowie soundtrack is the perfect fuel to get you skating laps around the rink. Lace up your skates in honor of the Starman himself. His music videos and movie appearances will be playing on the big screen, and there will be face painting for those who want to pay homage to the Ziggy Stardust look. | Noon. $14. Blue Cross RiverRink, 101 S. Columbus Blvd. facebook.com

Puppy Yoga

The most effective stress relief money can buy. Stretch out with puppies by your side at this heavenly yoga class. We would do it every single day if we could. | 1:30 pm. $25. Amrita Yoga, 2306 South St. eventbrite.com

Obsidian

It doesn’t get any more stripped down than this. Underground techno will be on full blast all night for this subterranean dance party. The sound and atmosphere have been crafted specifically for you to go crazy on the dance floor, so please don’t hold back. | 10 pm. $15. 714, 714 W. Girard Ave. residentadvisor.net

Starman Art Afternoon

Be a hero. Make some expressive art this afternoon that will benefit research at CHOP in Bowie’s name. Style Bowie fashion dolls and craft Aladdin Sane masks to show your love during the pop superstar’s honorary month. | Noon. Free. Tattooed Mom, 530 South St. tattooedmomphilly.com

Subterranean Philly: What Lies Beneath

There’s a whole other city beneath us right now. Don’t miss your chance to explore it all at this exclusive tour. Get a look at the tunnels and passageways that never got the chance to be developed as part of the city’s public transportation. | 1 pm. $20. 801 Market St. eventbrite.com

Big Body Loving

Don’t let society pressure you into thinking that you’re not enough. Those with big bodies simply have more to love. You are beautiful exactly the way you are, and at this workshop, you will learn to harness all that powerful energy that comes with being yourself. | 5 pm. Prices vary. The Velvet Lily, 1204 Chestnut St. eventbrite.com

Stand Up Comedy Sundays

The Eagles’ season is officially over. Find something else to do with your Sundays and check out this weekly comedy showcase. Hailed by Best of Philly as a “non-sucky open mic,” we think you have nothing to lose by coming here. | 8:30 pm. Free. Fergie’s Pub, 1214 Sansom St. facebook.com

MONDAY, JANUARY 13

Science on Tap: Launching Space Camp

We’re all getting ready to yeet ourselves off this planet when WWIII starts. It’d be useful to learn a thing or two about space before that happens. Don’t miss out on this discussion of Space Camp in Alabama, where you could get actual space training. | 6 pm. Free. National Mechanics, 22 S. 3rd St. facebook.com

Bee Movie: Live Reading

Absolutely nobody asked for this, but we’re pretty damn grateful that it’s happening. Join local theater group Theatre Contra for a reading of this strange, allergy med-induced trip of a movie. | 7 pm. Prices vary. Tattooed Mom, 530 South St. tattooedmomphilly.com

Lonely Artist Mingle

We get it – you’ve been locked up in the studio for days on end crafting your vision. Being a creative can get pretty damn lonely. Get to know artists with similar struggles at this necessary networking event. | 6 pm. Free. MilkBoy, 1100 Chestnut St. facebook.com

Poems Night

Got some spoken words you need to get off your chest? Come out to this monthly showcase for Philly poets. You’ll be shocked by the talent around you, and by your own courage to share work that means something to you. | Monday, Dec. 9. 7 pm. Free. Hot Bed, 723 Chestnut St. facebook.com

Off Flavor Beer Tasting Class

In college, we only had three different kinds of beer to choose from: Bud Light, PBR or whatever was in the kegs. We didn’t learn how to pick up on all the little nuances in taste until we got fancy and started drinking at craft breweries. Can you pick up on the slightly off tastes in the brews offered at this tasting class? | 7 pm. $25. Devil’s Den, 1148 S. 11th St. facebook.com

Make Noise: A Creator’s Guide to Podcasting

The podcast world is on fire right now. If you want to make your way into the booming industry, now is your time. Take advantage of the tools that will be presented in this discussion facilitated by Eric Nuzum, the innovator of NPR’s podcasts. | 6:30 pm. Free. Free Library of Philadelphia, 1700 S. Broad St. facebook.com

Blind Water Tasting

If you think all water tastes the same, we can’t be friends. It’s no secret that the water in Philly is instrumental in making all our delicious foods – water ice, Amoroso rolls, cheesesteaks… It’s important to also learn the effects that water has on making spirits, which is the whole point of this tasting. | 6 pm. $20. Goose Island Brewhouse, 1002 Canal St. eventbrite.com

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Trivia

Choose your gang to support you at this trivia night all about the city’s favorite TV show. Hopefully you won’t need any riot punch to power through the night. | 7 pm. $8. Punch Line Philly, 33 E. Laurel St. facebook.com

Drag Goes Acoustic

It’s impossible to dial down an art like drag. However, we’re into this idea of a relaxed, yet extremely entertaining show. Local queens will serenade the crowd with acoustic sets all night. | 8 pm. Prices vary. Clearhouse, 1608 W. Passyunk Ave. nightout.com

The Man in Black: A Tribute to Johnny Cash

Shawn Barker will have you seeing double with his tribute act to Cash. He looks, sounds and captures the audience just like Cash did. It’s pretty uncanny, and it’s worth checking out | 8 pm. $45. World Cafe Live, 3025 Walnut St. worldcafelive.com

Tuesday Night Hang Out

Club going up on a Tuesday. Come meet some new friends and score cheap deals on drinks. There’s no reason for your night to be lame if you have somewhere you can go like this. | 10 pm. Free. Saint Lazarus Bar, 102 W. Girard Ave.  facebook.com

Glass Etching Workshop

After you master this artistic workshop, you’ll be bringing your own glass with you to the bar. Just pull up, slap that bad boy on the bar and ask for your favorite liquor on the rocks. It’ll leave the bartender with fewer glasses to wash, therefore saving the planet by demanding less water to be used. All because of a glass etching workshop you went to once. Amazing, huh? | 6 pm. $40-$60. Art in the Age, 116 N. 3rd St. artintheage.com

YACHT

This band has been doing its part to turn the music industry’s technology on its ear for nearly two decades. They’ve done all kinds of quirky things with the tech at their disposal – to promote their 2015 album “I Thought the Future Would Be Cooler,” they created an album cover that could only be viewed via fax. Fucking astounding band right here. | 8 pm. $15. Johnny Brenda’s, 1201 N. Frankford Ave. eventbrite.com

Beer, Bread & ‘Bucha Fermentation Workshop

Fermentation is an art worth learning how to master. You mean to tell us that we can make our own beer and bread? If we could do that, we’d pretty much be entirely self-sufficient. Allow the folks at Levante Brewing and Funky Fresh Ferments to show you how it’s done. | 6 pm. $55. Bar Amis, 4503 S. Broad St. beerbreadbucha.splashthat.com

FAM SESH

A little jam sesh with a tight local music fam, hosted by James Cooper and Jared Williams. Spread some sticky and sweet jam on the dry white toast that is your typical Tuesday evening. | 8 pm. Free. Connie’s Ric Rac, 1132 S. 9th St. facebook.com

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15

Really Funny Comedians (Who Happen to be Women)

Women are extremely capable of everything, especially of being funny as hell. Remind yourself this Woman Crush Wednesday of that. Catch some of the funniest women in Philly let it all out. | 8 pm. $16. Punch Line Philly, 33 E. Laurel St. punchlinephilly.com

Melangerie

Witness some killer performances from an all QPOC cast. This show aims to show the talent and community of the performers who will candidly share their life experiences through their art. | 9 pm. $10. Franky Bradley’s, 1320 Chancellor St. eventbrite.com

Northeast LGBTQ Night Out

This isn’t limited to just one day of the week – inclusivity is celebrated every day at this friendly neighborhood bar. Witness art come alive on stage with a performance by Mx D. Underwood. Feel free to come back every Wednesday if you want. | 4 pm. Free. SawTown Tavern, 4717 Princeton Ave. facebook.com

Then Now Next

The 32nd annual happening of this famous dance conference hosted by more than 40 black dance companies kicks off with the performance “Philly and Friends.” Expect to see some insane talent from high school students and internationally known dancers throughout the next four days. | 7:30 pm. $60. The Merriam Theater, 250 S. Broad St. kimmelcenter.org

Tell Me A Story: Heroes and Villains

Go to all the storytelling workshops you want, but the best way to learn how to tell a powerful tale is to just throw yourself out there. Come observe these storytellers as they tell crazy anecdotes that stick to the topic. Get up there if you’re feeling confident, but if not, just come back for the next one. | 7:30 pm. $12. Shot Tower Coffee, 542 Christian St. facebook.com

Kinky Quizzo

Finally – some toys you’ll actually play with. There’s no better way to woo someone than with dirty jokes and competitive trivia. Loser gets to do the receiving in the fun that will inevitably commence afterward. | 8:30 pm. Free. J.D. McGillicuddy’s, 473 Leverington Ave. facebook.com

Open Mic Night

There are no limits on the kind of talent that you can present at this open mic – seriously, none. Show us the next best jaw-dropping act this city has to offer. We love giving local artists a chance to flourish by plugging events where they can share their work. | 8 pm. Free. Connie’s Ric Rac, 1132 S. 9th St. facebook.com

People Food

Food is weird, man. We spent most of our waking hours needing it, only to shit it out a couple of hours later. Whatever this band is serving has stuck around in our systems for quite a bit, and we’re hoping that we won’t be getting rid of them any time soon. | 8 pm. $8. Kung Fu Necktie, 1250 N. Front St. eventbrite.com

THURSDAY, JANUARY 16

The Menzingers

We’ve loved these guys since the start, but we didn’t always know they were from Philly. Guess that explains why we’ve connected with their energetic sound so much. Nothing can damper that Philly spirit, and these guys are here to prove that with a show in an intimate spot that’s more than likely to sell out. | 8 pm. $15. Boot and Saddle, 1131 S. Broad St. bootandsaddlephilly.com

La Maison Rose

A monthly show that sticks to the classic sexiness of the art of burlesque. Lelu Lenore is the producer and headliner that will make your hearts flutter. You don’t need any extra over-the-top themes to draw you into this show – if you appreciate burlesque as it is, you’ll love this. | 10 pm. $20. Franky Bradley’s, 1320 Chancellor St. eventbrite.com

Next Slide, Please: A Show of Slideshows

Our PowerPoint-happy professors used to make our college classes so fucking monotonous. These comedians will bring some respect back to the most efficient way to present information. We can’t picture how this will go, but we guess you’ll have to wait for the next slide to figure it out. | 7:30 pm. $5. Philly Improv Theater, 2030 Sansom St. eventbrite.com

Beach Fossils

These guys will be the best gems you’ve discovered in a while. Stumbling across them is no mistake – they are here to bless your world with sensual soundscapes. They’ll give you that exact feeling of picking up a buried fossil on a breezy beach. | 8 pm. $18. First Unitarian Church, 2125 Chestnut St. eventbrite.com

Todd Glass

Glass has been a staple in the comedy scene ever since his first stand-up performance at 16. He’s like any other hard-working comedian – he’s appeared on late night, in his own Netflix special and in two comedy albums – but we think you’ll find his point of view refreshing. | 8 pm. $18. Helium Comedy Club, 2031 Sansom St. philadelphia.heliumcomedy.com

The Future of Art

This may depict exactly how you picture the future of art galleries to be. Art will be displayed using augmented reality technology, which will undoubtedly alter the limits of our physical reality. Trippy stuff. | 8 pm. Free. The Maas Building, 1325 N. Randolph St. facebook.com

Kyle Sparkman

This ex-pat hailing from Philly and now based in France makes indie funk music that is the perfect soundtrack for vibing out. He’s back in the U.S. for a few shows and to perform his new single, “Homesick.” I guess we know now why he’s visiting. | 7:30 pm. $10. Ortlieb’s, 847 N. 3rd St. facebook.com

Ron Pope

We greatly appreciate artists like Pope who pour their souls into their songwriting. It can’t be easy to go through life, then write it all down and relive it over and over again when recording in the studio and performing live. We’re just lucky to have reflective singer-songwriters like Pope who live to open themselves up to us. | 8 pm. $25. The Foundry, 29 E. Allen St. thefillmorephilly.com