Calendar: Jan. 10-17

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10

21+ | Baby Can Dance: A Bowie Burlesque Show

We just learned a new term – stage kittens. Apparently, that’s a thing, at least where burlesque is concerned. It sounds hot … sorta. But also not really? Maybe not at all? Maybe we’ve spent too much time around actual kittens – we’re not sure. But either way, this event is all about local buskers, bustiers and, well, stage kittens. Stage cats. Kitty cats. See? It just doesn’t work. | 8pm. $10. Ruba Club, 416 Green St. phillylovesbowie.com

Art | Third Annual Philly Loves Bowie Memorial

What do colored chalk and David Bowie have in common? They’re both washed away by the tides of time (which, again, Bowie himself does not believe in because, as we’ve already said on numerous occasions, his species had transcended such constructs, though his human form obviously had not). Which is our way of saying that it’s important to pay tribute however you can, even if it’s in the form of a drawing that will disappear the first time it rains. | 3pm. Free. Doobies Bar, 2201 Lombard St. phillylovesbowie.com

Music | The Funktion 011: Emalkay & spacegeishA

It’s the … conjunction funktion … what’s your funktion? Does anyone else remember that? Pretty sure it’s from “Schoolhouse Rock.” What? Don’t look at us like that. We’re an alt weekly that’s been in circulation in one form or another since 1971. We’re old as heck. That’s why we have so much wisdom. The wisdom of age. Of experience. Of lessons learned through lots and lots and lots and lots of failures. Did we say lots of failures? | 9pm. $20. The Liaison Room, 1253 N. Front St. thefunktion011.theticketingco.com

Music | Through Being Cool EMO NIGHT

Was the emo scene, like, way bigger in Philly than we remember? Sure, The Used and Saves The Day were big bands in the way back when (along with black bangs and pants that were at least two sizes too tight), but the sudden ubiquity of emo nights is truly startling. Now, we’re not in any way, shape or form suggesting you shouldn’t attend – you absolutely should. We just think it’s important to live the examined life. So … what the fuck, Philly? | 10pm. $3. The Barbary, 951 Frankford Ave. barbarylive.com

Comedy | Philly Song Jawn with Sean

Does anyone know where the word “jawn” actually came from? There’s this vague memory of someone in middle or high school using the word without any prior warning, and then suddenly it was just everywhere. Sure, certain publications say it’s somehow derived from the word “joint,” which sorta makes sense if you’ve got that hard South Philly accent. It’s confusing as hell, honestly, but either way you should go to this parody song showcase jawn. Hosted by Sean. Sean’s jawn. Sean jawn. | 8pm. $8. Philly Improv Theater, 2030 Sansom St. eventbrite.com

FRIDAY, JANUARY 11

Music | Greensky Bluegrass

We don’t need no stinkin’ percussion! At least that’s been the mindset for most bluegrass musicians we’ve met. Of course, most of them haven’t been playing at, well, The Met. You know, the one here in Philly. Turns out though, despite actually having the term “bluegrass” in their name, Greensky isn’t what traditionalists would consider actual bluegrass. Still ain’t got no damn percussion though. Hippies. | 8pm. Prices vary. The Met Philly, 858 N. Broad St. concerts1.livenation.com

Art | Black Trans Futuristic: An Exhibition

Black Trans Futuristic is actually the opening event for the QT Noir Arts Festival, a local arts festival funded in part by a Leeway Foundation Art and Change Grant, so you know that shit is legit. Honestly, it’s important that every artist, no matter their color or gender or preferred pronouns, gets their chance to show you what their soul really looks like. This is the time to celebrate Black transgender and non-binary artists, and see what the future holds for us all. | 6pm. Free. William Way LGBT Community Center, 1315 Spruce St. waygay.org

Learn | An Artist Must Take Sides: Gentrification in Philadelphia

Gentrification is a difficult subject. On the one hand, you have locals, people who’ve lived and loved and laughed and cried and watched their family expand and contract within these working-class communities. On the other, you have corporations and real estate developers looking for cheap property and willing to do whatever it takes to turn a quick profit. In the end, the neighborhood itself benefits, of course, but do the people who comprise it? | Noon. Free. Paul Robeson House, 4951 Walnut St. eventbrite.com

Dance | Shake It Off: Taylor & Friends Dance Party

Do people like Taylor Swift again? Did people ever really not like Taylor Swift? Or do we have that backwards – did people ever really like Taylor Swift? How many times can we write the words Taylor and Swift in this small space? Taylor. Swift. Taylor Swift. Taylor – OK, OK. We’ll stop. But one last question – is Taylor Swift actually human or a lizard monster wearing the skin of a human host? Discuss amongst yourselves. | 9pm. $7. The Fillmore, 29 E. Allen St. concerts1.livenation.com

Music | A Night of Stardust – Celebrating Bowie

Philly Loves Bowie Week continues! And this time, there’s no going back. Mostly because time – for us mortals, at least – runs in only a single direction, whereas for beings from Bowie’s dimension, time is more like a series of sheets or membranes, rippling in the cosmic winds, allowing him to move between worlds, timelines, showering his aural magic on all who he comes into contact with. | 7pm. $20. Union Transfer, 1026 Spring Garden St. etix.com

SATURDAY, JANUARY 12

Music | Donny McCaslin and His Band

You might not know it from the title or the picture or because you just don’t know any better (just kidding again … mostly), but Mr. Donny McCaslin’s show is yet another entry in the Philly Loves Bowie Week extravaganza. McCaslin was the band leader on Bowie’s final album, “Blackstar,” and now he’s trading on that for his own studio offering. If it was good enough for the Starman, it’s good enough for us. | 8pm. $20. The Fillmore, 29 E. Allen St. concerts1.livenation.com

Party | Masquerade on Moshulu

This may not fall into the category of self-aggrandizing, over-priced nonsense, but it’s close. Honestly, the thing that may save it more than anything else is the fact that it’s on the Moshulu, which remains one of the coolest restaurants/bars/venues in the city. So grab your mask (plastic superhero masks encouraged) and dance the night away if you want, just, ya know, don’t be a dick about it. | 9pm. $65. Moshulu, 401 S. Columbus Blvd. eventbrite.com

Network | I BUY BLACK 2nd Saturday Business Owners’ Breakfast

We like to switch things up here in the Calendar section of Philly Weekly, keep you crazy kids on your collective toes, make sure you never know what’s coming next. Maybe it’s a pancake social. Maybe it’s an event to raise awareness for the failing candlemaker down the street. And maybe, just maybe, it’s a networking event for local business owners, held over eggs, toast and coffee. So … maybe it’s all three? Sorta? Kinda? | 8am. $20. Crimson Cafe, 5847 Market St. eventbrite.com

Party | SWAY

We hope you guys appreciate just how awesome Philly is these days. Seriously, this city has so much artistic, out-of-this-world, wild and wet and weird stuff going on all the goddamn time. New York City wishes it could be this woke. Take Sway, for example, Philly’s “biggest, queerest monthly party.” While we don’t have the stats to back that claim up, we bet if NYC had the same thing it’d cost $180 to get in and you’d need to have a hand-written invitation from someone who’d been there at least twice before. | 10pm. $7. Tabu Sports Bar & Lounge, 254 S. 12th St. eventbrite.com

Dance Party | Drake / Cardi / Post / Britney: 4PLAY

$3 citywides!? What the hell has this place come to? With $3 citywides you could, hypothetically speaking, get hammered for less than $10. And no, of course we’re not encouraging you to do that, though if you do you should absolutely be careful and make sure you have your transportation home lined up so you won’t even be tempted to drive. But seriously – $3 citywides and a whole bitch-full of Britney!? It’s gonna get so freakin’ weird. | 10pm. $5. Kung Fu Necktie, 1250 N. Front St. eventbrite.com

SUNDAY, JANUARY 13

Outdoors | A Snowy Bowie Skate

You’ll have to pay if you want to skate, but otherwise this final entry in the Philly Loves Bowie Week spectacular is free, free, free. Pay homage to the Starman one last time with face-painting, Bowie-themed cocktails and terrifying images of the horror movie “Labyrinth” on the big screens. Huh? What do you mean “Labyrinth” wasn’t a horror movie? Have you seen Bowie’s hair in that movie? | Noon. Free. Blue Cross RiverRink, 101 S. Columbus Blvd. phillylovesbowie.com

Sports | LaxCon 2019

We’re not usually so bro-y, but desperate times call for desperate measures. And while we’re not really desperate, we still think it’s only fair we give the bros of the city their event-based due. So if that special lax-er in your life is missing the camaraderie and barely repressed homosexuality of the college locker room, take em’ on over to LaxCon for a day of balls, sticks and grab ass (grab ass optional, but always encouraged). | 9am. Prices vary. Philadelphia Convention Center, 1101 Arch St. uslacrosse.org

Party | Bad Luck 13 Birthday Extravaganza

This event might be called “Bad Luck 13 Birthday Extravaganza,” but we’re firmly on the side of it being good luck. Honestly, how many people can say their birthday party/metal concert showed up in the local alt weekly? We don’t know the answer but we’re guessing it’s not many. Maybe five? Maybe less. Either way it’s definitely less than 10. It’s gotta be less than 10. Maybe like eight. Or nine. Happy birthday, Leslie Smurfasaur! You lucky duck. | 9pm. $7. Kung Fu Necktie, 1250 N. Front St. kungfunecktie.com/

Network | Open Auditions: LIT House Team

Among the more interesting things going on in the City of Brotherly and Sisterly Love these days is the sudden explosion of theater and, more specifically, improv. Seriously, who knew there were this many theater geeks in the Philly area? Not that we’re in any way judging – improv can be (but is not always) fucking hilarious and the more funny people in Philly the better. Lord knows we need a good laugh now and then. | 1230pm. Free. South Street Cinema, 327 South St. libertyimprov.com

Learn | KPop Dance Class

Among the less interesting things going on in America and/or the world these days is the sudden rise of K-Pop teen idols. Seriously, where the hell do all these weird boy and girl bands with names like EXO and BTS keep coming from? Not that there’s anything wrong with KPop, of course – the whole point in life is to love deeply and if you love teen pop groups created in a lab, then by all means learn to dance like them too. Just remember they’re not real and nothing you see on TV (or the internet) ever is. | 415pm. $15. Inspire Art Space, 1646 Ridge Ave. paypal.me/PhillyPri

MONDAY, JANUARY 14

Learn | Be More Productive Part I: Get to the Root of Procrastination

Is there anyone on this planet who doesn’t engage in a little procrastination from time to time? And no, Bowie doesn’t count because, again, he was not born of this Earth and his ability to transcend space and time makes procrastination a wholly alien (see what we did there?) and unnecessary concept. So … jokes on you. But seriously, who doesn’t procrastinate? At least some of the time? Our guess is you should all go to this, but you can always just sign up later, right? | 630pm. Free. Re/Max Affiliates, 7139 Germantown Ave. eventbrite.com

Learn | Political Geometry: Mathematics of Gerrymandering & Fair Voting

Gerrymandering hasn’t popped up on more than a few occasions within these pages, just that it’s mostly been in the form of events at cool new venues that just opened up in formerly downtrodden neighborhoods where a bunch of former New Yorkers are suddenly moving in, along with a coffee shop that only does pour-overs and a specialty grocery store where a carton of “farm-raised, deep organic” eggs costs $30. Gerrymandering! | 6pm. $10. The Franklin Institute, 222 N. 20th St. fi.edu

Learn | Philly Cares Presents: Motivational Monday – The Power of Positivity

It’s a learning-heavy Monday here in the Calendar section of Philly Weekly, and for good reason – we think you heathens need to do a better job of loving yourselves. But it’s not just something you can up and do without practice. It’s like playing an instrument or riding a bike – a learned skill. So this Monday, take a listen to what some of the key voices in motivation have to say, and take a step toward learning how to both love yourself and keep a positive attitude even when the loving ain’t so easy. | 7pm. $20. Golf & Social, 1080 N. Delaware Ave. eventbrite.com

Movie | ‘Venom’

We’ll be honest – we had high hopes for this movie. Not just because we like Tom Hardy, although, let’s be really, really honest here; who doesn’t love Tom Hardy? But we digress. We had high hopes because, frankly, we’re tiring of the same old superhero schtick. Venom, the character, is inherently different, a combination of good and evil that defies definition. There was so much possibility for this movie, especially considering it starred Tom Freakin’ Hardy. But alas, it sucked. Sucked hard, in fact. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t drink some beers while watching it at the Troc though. | 630pm. $3. The Trocadero, 1003 Arch St. thetroc.com

Games | Drinks and Dragons at the Abbaye

This isn’t just for the seasoned D&Ders. First-timers, old-timers, best-timers – the only ones not wanted here are the next-timers. Unless, of course, you really do want to go but you just so happen to have a prior engagement on this particular evening. Life is never as simple as we’d like it, so please still come out the next time you’re able. But if you’ve got an itch to throw some dice and pretend you’re an orc or a princess or a happy, well-adjusted person, this event is perfect for you. | 630pm. Free. The Abbaye, 637 N. 3rd St. theabbaye.net

TUESDAY, JANUARY 15

Learn | Common Beat Presents : Tube Amps, A Crash Course

This is for all the gearheads out there. The shredders. The noodlers. The dudes (and dudettes) who go to Guitar Center and turn up the amps way too loud so everyone in the store has to listen to them show off/jerk off in public to their own special rendition of “Sweet Child o’ Mine.” You know the types. Seriously though, if you’re a guitar player and you don’t already own a tube amp, get your ass to Common Beat and find out what you’re missing without all that warmth and natural distortion in your life. | 8pm. Free. Common Beat Music, 4916 Baltimore Ave. facebook.com

Learn | Complete Proteins: A Delicious Primer

Ya know, part of loving yourself is taking care of both your mind and your body. Sure, you might want to stay up late eating Nutella straight out of the jar, and maybe doing so will make you happy – for a time. But if you’re wondering why your stomach hurts in the morning and you want to crawl back into bed by noon the next day, well, it’s because Nutella isn’t nutritious and sleep is important. So why not find out what a rich, high-protein diet without added meat and a little less late-night snacking will do for your mind and your mood. | 6pm. $10. Free Library of Philadelphia, 1901 Vine St. eventbrite.com

Music | High on Fire

The dudes in High on Fire look like they were Viking warriors in a past life, so that can only mean one thing – this concert is going to be heavy, loud and full of … holy shit. We hadn’t listened to this band before, but you’ll have to excuse us while we go melt our faces off for a couple of hours. You can come too, but no talking, Only listening. And headbanging. Maybe a little screaming. But mostly listening. And headbanging. | 8pm. $22. TLA, 334 South St. concerts1.livenation.com

Music | 4everyTaylorMade Album Release Party

We definitely might be missing something (though probably not – we’re the events section of a local alt weekly, after all, so we’ve got our pulse on the … wait, what’s a bae again?), but 15 bucks seems a little ambitious for an album release party for a rapper we’ve never heard of. Of course, just because we haven’t heard of them doesn’t mean that a lot of other people also haven’t. It’s just that, ya know, if you want people to come and celebrate your music, maybe don’t ask them to pay you $15 for the pleasure. | 7pm. $15. The Fire, 412 W. Girard Ave. eventbrite.com

Food | Pizza After Dark

This event sounds both delicious and dirty, which is exactly the kind of shit that we’re into. You wanna combine sensuality and our favorite sense – taste? Well, we’re all fuckin’ for it. But that’s also why we were disappointed to learn this is just a stupid pizza-making class. Which, ya know, is cool and all. But we’d much prefer if the goal was to slather one another in oil and dough and eat our way to orgasm. Or something. | 830pm. $85. Pizzeria Vetri, 1615 Chancellor St. pizzaafterdarkjan.splashthat.com

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16

Learn | One Book, One Philadelphia: Jesmyn Ward

Jesmyn Ward, author of “Sing, Unburied, Sing,” is one of the most arresting voices in fiction, using stark, startling language to pick apart at the seams so much of what we hold true (or hoped for) regarding race and the immigrant experience in America. At this event, she’ll discuss these far-reaching topics, as well as much more, with WURD President/CEO Sara Lomax-Reese. If you’re interested in starting off the new year with a refreshment of your soul and a reminder of what’s real, this may well be the event for you. | 730pm. Free. One Book, One Philadelphia, 1901 Vine St. freelibrary.org

Music | Mineral

Twenty years is a long time. Heck, most of the people reading this have probably only been alive about that long, maybe a bit longer (for those of you who’ve doubled that number and more, we salute you as well, you old bastards). But when it comes to the life of a band, 20 years is a lifetime and much, much more. And when you go 20 years between releasing new material, it’s all the more impressive, because that means that not only have you been around even longer than that, you still somehow have music left in your head/heart/hands. | 8pm. $25. TLA, 334 South St. concerts1.livenation.com

Music | Place in the Sun vol. 35: Hank Wood and the Hammerheads

We legit can’t get over this. Like, we’re honestly about to lose our ever-lovin’ minds … in a good way. Philly has so many awesome venues. The Troc. The Fillmore. The Venue Formerly Known as the Electric Factory. And, of course, a whole bunch more. But Everybody Hits might take the freakin’ cake. Get this – they’re batting cages that double as a music venue. Like, what the fuck!? We honestly don’t care if we sound like ooey gooey over the top fanatics right now – that kicks ass. | 8pm. Prices vary. Everybody Hits Philadelphia, 529 W. Girard Ave. songkick.com

Comedy | Damon Williams

We don’t know much about Damon Williams other than that he’s from Chicago, he came up with an apparently popular bit called “Seriously Ignant News” and he’s had a special on Comedy Central in the past. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. We demand to know the fuck named this venue Warmdaddy’s. We love soul food. We love New Orleans. We can be convinced that jazz isn’t awful. But what the hell does Warmdaddy’s mean and why the hell does it make us so uncomfortable? We’ll be accepting answers via handwritten letter. Thank you for your time. | 830pm. $25. Warmdaddy’s, 1400 S. Columbus Blvd. eventbrite.com

Theater | Pay What You Can: 74 Seconds To Judgment

What an amazing concept. You pay what you can, you get to watch a play written by a local playwright. That’s the best thing we’ve ever heard of (besides biscuits and gravy – biscuits and gravy are an amazing combination that we defy you to dislike). Seriously, just because you’re a little less than rich doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to go watch six jurors struggle to decide what “justifiable homicide” looks like. That kinda shit should be – and is –for everyone. | 8pm. Whatever you got. Arden Theatre Company, 40 N. 2nd St. ardentheatre.org

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17

Dance | Back to School Party

The concept of a 21-plus party that also allows 18-plus people has always confused us. It’s like, are you asking for underage drinking-related citations? Because that’s how you get underage drinking-related citations. But if Concourse is willing to risk it then so are we. Just make sure you use the back entrance and, if you just so happen to be of the under-21 variety, be prepared to shell out an extra couple bucks at the door. That last part is not a joke, though we find it funny as hell. | 10pm. $15. Concourse Dance Club, 1635 Market St. eventbrite.com

Food | The Main Course: A Culinary Experience with Chef Andrew Pearce

“Overpriced as fuck” is how we would normally describe an event like this. And while that may well still hold true, the fact is that food ain’t cheap, and a really good, truly delicious culinary experience is even costlier. Look, there are plenty of opportunities around the city every day to get a good or even great meal for little to less. But every once in a while you gotta go whole hog, just let that inner foodie really hang out and as Aziz Ansari and Retta would say … “treat yo’ self.” | 7pm. $140. Hugo’s Philly, 1001 N. Delaware Ave. eventbrite.com

Music | Guster

We remember – in the way back when, of course – a time when Guster was all the rage. That one song, what was it … “Satellite” maybe? “Amsterdam”? We honestly can’t actually remember. Like, we just listened to both those songs and didn’t have even a single moment of recognition. Oh no. Is this the end? Is this how it all comes crumbling down? Have we finally reached the point of mental degradation where we no longer remember the artifacts of our youth? Maybe. Or maybe we’re just thinking of a different band. O.A.R. probably. Or Moe. | 8pm. $28.50. The Fillmore, 29 E. Allen St. concerts1.livenation.com

Music | Carol Riddick and Gerald Veasley: The Music of Nina Simone

Nina Simone was an amazing woman. Seriously, we’re not going to lay out all the things she did in her too-short lifetime, but you should go look it up if you’ve got a few extra minutes (and let’s be honest – you’ve got more than a few). The most stunning aspect of her life is that her music, as astounding and influential as it was, may not have been her greatest contribution to the world. As such, this isn’t just an evening of celebrating her accomplishments as a singer or composer or pianist; it’s a celebration of the beauty of her soul. | 9pm. $30. SOUTH, 600 N. Broad St. ticketfly.com

Comedy | 3rd Thursdays Improv: N Crowd with Rooster Boiz

Who the hell wants to be part of the in crowd anyway? We’d much rather be part of the “N Crowd” … whatever the hell that means. Seriously though, we’re gonna keep harping on this because we’re worried you aren’t quite getting the message – Philly has an amazing abundance of awesomely creative events going on these days. So get off your damn couch and find out what Philadelphia funny is all about. Also, quit trying to be cool. No one thinks you’re cool. We’re cool though. Like, for sure. For sure, for sure. | 730pm. $12. Ruba Club, 2030 Sansom St. eventbrite.com