Calendar: Dec. 27-Jan. 3

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27

Festival | Tigers Jaw Presents Otherly Love

We don’t know for a fact if this is technically considered a festival, but considering the fairly long list of bands and the sweet-ass poster they made, we’re gonna go ahead and call it cool. Tigers Jaw is a possibly grammatically incorrect but otherwise pretty cool rock band from the far flung reaches of Scranton, PA. Seriously though, I’d love to sit down with the band and ask them what their name means and whether or not it’s meant to be possessive. The idea of tigers jawing at one another is awesome and all, but not something we think they can actually do? | 5:30pm. $25. The Fillmore, 29 E. Allen St. concerts1.livenation.com

Music | Barber Acoustic

Fans of the Philly jam band scene will already know Jon “Barber” Gutwillig well. He’s the guitarist and one of the mad minds behind Disco Biscuits, that ridiculous, four hour-plus concert giggin’, play until 3am and then some jam/electronic/funk/everything band. Here, you’ll get to see his … quieter side. Though we’re willing to bet it’s really not that quiet. Either way, World Cafe Live is a great venue and we should probably be making more of a point to espouse its many virtues. | 8pm. $25. World Cafe Live, 3025 Walnut St. ticketfly.com

Political | Councilman Curtis Jones, Jr. Annual Black Party Fundraiser

So there’s a whole “VIP Reception” part of the evening that starts at 6pm, but we’ll just pretend that doesn’t exist and Councilman Jones is really just hoping to glad-hand a bunch of caring constituents. The truth probably isn’t quite so rosy, but the reason we’re including this is to say that politics starts at the local level. If you care about shit that The Orange Goblin in Chief is doing – or trying to do – the surest way to make your voice heard and make an impact is to go to parties like this and harangue your local councilman into doing what’s right. | 8pm. $50. Please Touch Museum, 4231 Avenue of the Republic. Pleasetouchmuseum.org

Music | Dave East

The arch nemesis of Steve West, cousin to Jeff South and brother to Mark North, Dave East is a rapper, just in case the photo above didn’t give it away. And before anyone gets upset, the only thing we were pointing out was the champagne. Between champagne and 40s, seemingly the drink of choice of posing rappers, we much prefer a 40. 40s are awesome by the by. You can get drunk for legit like, $2.50. It’s a college kid’s wet dream (if you drink two of them, you’ll probably pass out and piss yourself, so that’s at least a little literal). | 8pm. Prices vary. TLA, 334 South St. concerts1.livenation.com

Music | David Wax Museum

What is it with indie bands and the propensity for these names that just make you go, “hm, that’s definitely an indie hipster band that undoubtedly employs elements of ‘folk’ music?” We don’t know the answer, but we also don’t really know what “folk” means anymore. It used to mean a specific thing but, kind of like indie, it seems to have taken on a whole new meaning that’s so much broader than its original intent. In this instance, it means Latin rhythms and call-and-response. But Suz Slezak, one part of the duo that makes up David Wax Museum, is actually a singer and fiddler with deep experience in Irish folk. So, in this rare instance, folk actually means what it’s supposed to mean. | 8pm. $15. The Locks Music, 4417 Main St. eventbrite.com

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 28

Kid Friendly | A Longwood Christmas

Here it is, already past Christmas, and we’re just now getting around to touting the amazing afternoon/evening that is a day at Longwood Gardens. Seriously, Christmas Village in the city might be the most Christmas-y place in town, but Longwood is the most Christmas-y place in the state. Heck, maybe even the entire eastern seaboard (totally transparency; we cannot confirm this fact). With miles to walk and millions of tiny lights (and oh so much more) to see and hear and taste and do, A Longwood Christmas is made for you (and you (and you (and you))). | 9am. Prices vary. Longwood Gardens, 1001 Longwood Rd, Kennett Square, PA 19348. Longwoodgardens.org

Festival | HiJinx

Look at that picture. Look at that name. If you can’t put two and two together from those things alone, then maybe you’re sight-impaired and using a screen-reader and we’re assholes and also sorry. Well, we’re definitely assholes. But not like, unnecessarily so. Just enough to keep it interesting, or at least that’s what we tell our Mom. Either way, if you’ve got the dough to spend and an itch to dance, HiJinx Music Festival is where you wanna be this weekend. | 5pm. Prices vary. Pennsylvania Convention Center, 1101 Arch St. hijinxfest.com

Party | Late Bass w/ Stylust & More

What is it with the days following Christmas and bass-heavy dance jams? Is it like, some kind of subculture comeback? Like all the people who would normally be popping pills shaped like Bugs Bunny and grinding their teeth/dancing til’ the fun wears off feel just so subdued by the holidays that they have to spend the next few days getting as sweet and sweaty as possible? We don’t know the answer but we’re totally cool with it. Jams are jams and *extremely Forrest Gump voice* that’s all we got to say about that. | 12am. $20. The Music Ward, 5101 Grays Ave. latebass.theticketingco.com

Kid Friendly | Wild Lights

We’ll admit, this one, much like Longwood above, is a bit of a trek for any of you city-based folk. But we cater to you kids almost exclusively so we figured it couldn’t hurt to offer up a few options that’ll let you get up and outside your comfort zone, at least for a night. Wild Lights is, surprisingly, not another entry in the Post-Christmas Rave Scene. It’s actually a kid-friendly light show at Elmwood Park Zoo. We’re not saying you can’t party here, per se, we’re just saying you should probably leave the (adult-sized) binkie at home. | 6pm. Prices vary. Elmwood Park Zoo, 1661 Harding Blvd, Norristown, PA 19401. Elmwoodparkzoo.org

Music | PnB Rock

Ah, yes. Right back to our regularly scheduled programming. Which is to say, music events based in Philly. That really is our bread and butter. Speaking of bread and butter, when we first saw the name of this event, we thought it had something to do with peanut butter and, more specifically, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Which is a really underrated sandwich, assuming you’re not allergic to peanuts. Either way, this is not about peanut butter or sandwiches at all. PnB Rock, it turns out, is a #trapstarturntpopstar. #ofcourse. #pnbrockspbnj. | 8pm. Prices vary. The Met Philly, 858 N. Broad St. concerts1.livenation.com

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29

Music | Talkpeck Soundsystem

Quick! Without look, what do you think this event is about? We’ll give you a few seconds to formulate your answers, which we will then take in the form of interpretive dances. Ok, time’s up. Whatcha got? Hm. Very interesting. And the arm … oh and look at the leg … twirling, twirling … now for the big finish … and there it is! You were right on the money! It’s a tribute project featuring the music of the Talking Heads, Vulfpeck and LCD Soundsystem. Your dancing was impeccable, but all the grunting was just unnecessary. | 1130pm. $20. Warehouse on Watts, 923 N. Watts St. ticketfly.com

Kid Friendly | Donut Making w/ Federal Donuts

We wanted to include a picture with this event, but frankly even the sight of Federal Donuts’ amazing array of delectable creations is too much for us to handle. So we’ll just have to settle for the lingering ghost of the last donut we had there, something soft and warm and pillowy and … oh god. Oh god. We’ve gone blind from deliciousness. Hurry, before we fall into a Dia-licious coma, take this family-friendly event that’ll teach you how to make Federal Donuts-level deliciousness in the comfort of your own home. | 1030am. $12. Free Library of Philadelphia, 1901 Vine St. eventbrite.com

Kid Friendly | Butterfly Light Festival

This is definitely gonna be one of the weirder events of the week. Not that we mean that in a bad way at all—really, who doesn’t love butterflies? No one that’s who. Or monsters. Monsters don’t love butterflies. But kids and parents and anyone else with a conscience loves butterflies. And exotic animals. And acrobatic performances. And a freakin’ fire show. That’s it. Where’s our wallet? We need 10 tickets because we’re taking the whole squad. | 10am. $15. Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion, 8046 Frankford Ave. phillybutterflypavilion.com

Music | Kurt Vile

Did you know that Kurt Vile’s real name is Gerald St. McGonagall? And that he isn’t really from Philly, but a small town in New Jersey called Glockenspiel? Did you also know that his favorite food is a kind of gruel he makes himself every morning out of honey, hot sauce and overcooked rice? Oh, and did you also know that he’s coming to The Met this week? One of these things is true, and we’ll give you 20 guesses to figure out which one it is. | 8pm. Prices vary. The Met Philly, 858 N. Broad St. concerts1.livenation.com

Music | Space Bacon New Years Run

Did you know that Space Bacon’s real name is … just kidding. No one knows what Space Bacon’s real name is. Or even what Space Bacon is. Some say it’s actual sentient bacon from space, crash landed in New Mexico and held hostage for years by the government in a secret facility, only to hatch a daring escape, killing most of the soldiers stationed there and then utilizing the sounds of bass to call to the others of his kind deep within the frozen cosmos, calling them here, to their new home. Others say he’s a DJ. | 1159pm. $25. The Boom Room, 1300 N. Front St. boomroomspacebacon.theticketingco.com

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 30

Party | CIA Album Release

No, this isn’t an acoustic album put together by the CIA agent who watches you through your computer’s camera and a couple of his black-clad buddies, all about the tough year you’ve had and how hilarious they found your shame and sadness to be. It’s actually a band consisting of Allen Aucoin on drums (The Disco Biscuits, Dr. Fameus), Clay Parnell on bass (Particle, BioDiesel, BP) and Ian McGuire on the keys (MJ Project, Sonic Spank, Blurry Nights). The album really is about your craptastic 2018 though. | 1030pm. $20. Warehouse on Watts, 923 N. Watts St. ticketfly.com

Comedy | John Oliver

We’ve got a funny story involving John Oliver that perfectly encapsulates why PA is infinitely better than New York. In the long ago, we went to see a comedy show at Jones Beach (yes, alt weeklys have lives, back off), of which both Oliver and Sebastian Maniscalco were to take part. The crowd fucking adored Maniscalco, laughing their heads off and braying as loudly as possible at his “the way it used to be” schtick. But the moment the word ‘Trump’ passed Oliver’s lips, the boos started, followed by a mass exodus. By the end of his set (he was the headliner), more than half of the audience was gone. | 7pm. Prices vary. The Met Philly, 858 N. Broad St. concerts1.livenation.com

Music | Gwar

Anybody out there ever seen the movie “Tower Records?” If you haven’t, we highly recommend you take an hour and a half sometime in the next week or two, maybe when you’re home from work loving, well, that you’re not at work. If you have then you already know that Gwar as a cameo in someone’s dream. And while we don’t know whether they still do the whole “fan swallowed by a giant worm thing,” we can say with confidence that, at the very least, it’s not fucking Rex Manning Day. | 8pm. $15. Franklin Music Hall, 421 N. 7th St. ticketmaster.com

Party | Gwar Afterparty w/ Wolves Attack

This place is literally located right next door to Franklin Music Hall, so it seems an apt place to have a Gwar Afterparty (wait … do you think they did that on purpose!?). We don’t know much, if anything, about Wolves Attack, but we’re willing to guess it’s loud and it’s passionate and if you listen too close, it just might make your ears bleed. Again, at least it’s not fuckin Rex Manning Day (also, again, if you haven’t seen “Tower Records” yet, do yourself that small favor, you heathen). | 10pm. $15. Voltage Lounge, 421 N. 7th St. ticketmaster.com

Music | Sunday with Strings: Laurin Talese ft. Four By Four

We really wish this event was at a park or a bandstand, so it could’ve been called “Sunday in the Park with Strings.” That really would’ve just made our year. And considering how crappy of a year it’s been, we could’ve really used the win. Either way, get ready for Bae Talese, aka Laurin Talese, to sooth your world-weary soul with lush vocal melodies as composer and bassist Dan Chmielinski and his band provide the foundation on which she will build her aural beauty. | 7pm. $15. SOUTH, 600 N. Broad St. ticketfly.com

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31

Party | 2019 New Year’s Eve Bash

We can’t make up our mind whether we want to make fun of this event or take it seriously. Honestly, $100 for any event that doesn’t include several courses and wine pairings seems plenty steep. And usually we don’t go in for the corporate kind of stuff, aka big parties thrown by businesses so they can then milk you dry. But New Year’s Eve is one of those few times where partying trumps pragmatism. So get and get your damn money’s worth. | 10pm. $100. SugarHouse Casino, 1001 N. Delaware Ave. ticketmaster.com

Party | NYE 2018 w/ VibeSquaD & Wax Future

Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth. And party on, Philadelphia. Because really, who won’t be partying on New Year’s Eve? Not that there’s anything wrong with not partying (which is exactly what we’ll be doing), just that it’s like, some kind of societal law that you have to be at a gathering of at least four or more people (animals also count) by the time the ball drops. Of course, you don’t have to be dancing the night away to trip-hop and electronic beats, but that would certainly fulfill your part of the social bargain. | 10pm. $25. The Music Ward, 5101 Grays Ave. nyephilly.theticketingco.com

Party | New Years Emo 2019

Truth be told, we don’t go in for the whole, “everyone is partying so you have to party too” thing. Sure, we live to provide you wonderful events and all kinds of shit to do in and around the city, but there’s nothing that says a Friday or Saturday is meant for mucking it up at the local watering hole. Jammies and gingerbread is just as fun and fulfilling as any bar or party. To that end, New Year’s Even doesn’t have to be a rager either. Heck, it can even be the emo/screamo evening of your dreams. Because it’s your god damn party, and you can cry/scream/mosh if you friggin’ want to. | 7pm. $10. Kung Fu Necktie, 1248 N. Front St. eventbrite.com

Party | Betsy’s Birthday Bash

Our goal is to provide something for everyone this New Year’s Eve, and that includes you history buffs. Yes you, the ones who spend their weekend in old timey garb and who will, without fail, be asleep well before the clock strikes 12 on a brand new year. But that’s ok! You’ll just get your partying in a little earlier than everyone else when you hit the Betsy Ross House for some chocolate-making demonstrations, birthday cupcakes courtesy of City Tavern and, of course, some time with the Little Rebel herself. | 11am. Free. Betsy Ross House, 239 Arch St. historicphiladelphia.org

Kid Friendly | Noon Year’s Eve Bash

And now, for the most overlooked New Year’s Eve fun-seekers out there … the kids. That’s right, your little monsters know they have no chance of making it to midnight, so you better pony up and find something super awesome for them to do, otherwise it’s tantrums and tummy aches to the point that even you won’t have enough energy to watch Ryan Seacrest smile his way through every awkward pause. So hit the Franklin Institute for an afternoon of sciencey, kid-friendly fun that should (emphasis on should, though maybe more like could) save your evening. | 10am. Prices vary. The Franklin Institute, 222 N. 20th St. fi.edu

TUESDAY, JANUARY 1

Party | Origin Story : Dawn of Legends

We’ll be honest—we don’t know what the fuck this event is. It’s apparently brought to you by You Know Us (no, we don’t), a “new group made up of familiar faces in the party and event production scenes,” whose focus is creating “unique and quality experiences” that they themselves would want to attend. The fuck? By now, you’re probably asking yourself why we included this event and, the truth is, with how bad 2017 was and how much worse 2018 got, we thought it was only fitting that we start the year off with an event that mirrors exactly how we feel about 2019. Which is to say like we don’t have a single clue what to expect. | 630am. Prices vary. Warehouse on Watts, 923 N. Watts St. eventbrite.com

Party | New Year’s Day 2017 at Tattooed Mom

We’re assuming that most people are gonna be pretty partied out on New Year’s Day. If you scroll up, you’ll see just a small handful of all the wild, awake-until-6-am events that’ll be taking place across the city on Monday night. But we also know that for other people, a certain subset of socializers and thrill-seekers, the party will literally never stop. Luckily for them, the fine folks at Tattooed Mom are right there with them. | 12pm. Free. Tattooed Mom, 530 South St. tattooedmomphilly.com

Fitness | Resolution Run

As always, and as much as it hurts us to do so at times, our aim is to provide fun events for every branch of the extended Philly family. We’ve got non-stop partying/drinking for scruffy Uncle Dave. We’ve got a strange-ass pseudo-soothing event for your mom, who you’re just now realizing is the weird aunt you always swore your family never had. And now we’ve got this, Philadelphia Runner’s Resolution Run, for your stupid sister who definitely thinks she’s better than you and can’t stop talking about the marathon she’s been training for over the past six years. Just shut up already, Lianne. Everyone knows you can’t do it. | 10am. Free. Philadelphia Runner, 1601 Sansom St. philadelphiarunner.com

Music | U.S. Bombs

What an interesting name for a band. At first, it sounds like they might be straight up asshats. But the more you think about it, the more it sets in that it’s probably intended to be tongue-in-cheek and that, in fact, they’re attempting to satirize the American military-industrial complex. Which a quick Google search reveals to be the case, via songs like “We are the Problem” and “American Made.” But also the lead singer used to be in a band called The Exploding Fuck Dolls, and that just … whew, boy … brings up a whole other set of issues. | 8pm. $20. Kung Fu Necktie, 1250 N. Front St. ticketfly.com

21+ | Drink & Draw

Ever been upstairs at Philadelphia Brewing Company? The space is friggin’ amazing. It’s huge and airy and the ceilings are high and the bar is this awesome all-wooden thing in the middle of the room. The fact that they don’t host larger events there is beyond baffling, but our guess is it’ll start to happen sooner or later. But for now, we’ll just have to content ourselves with stuff like Drink & Draw, where you drink and then, well, you know … you draw. | 7pm. Free. Philadelphia Brewing Company, 2440 Frankford Ave. philadelphiabrewing.com

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 2

Political | Competing Visions of the Global Order

What. The. Funk. Seriously, what the hell is this event? We’re asking, not telling. So often we include events we’re not totally sold on just because we think it’d be funny or we can’t quite figure out what’s going on. And while this event definitely falls into that second bucket, the description of it is just vague enough, just peppered with enough buzzwords to make us scratch our heads and wonder if it’s really just a cult meeting and you definitely shouldn’t go. But do go and tell us how it is. Just don’t drink any punch while you’re there. | 10am. Free. Irvine Auditorium, 3401 Spruce St. global.upenn.edu

Show | Matilda The Musical

Roald Dahl was an amazing man. Well, author. Well, person. Well … everything. Seriously, he served in WWII as part of the Royal Air Force, eventually earning the positions of flying ace, wing commander and intelligence officer. When one of his small children was injured post-war, he took part in developing a palliative cure for his son’s chronic illness. After another of his children died as a result of measles, he became an outspoken proponent of immunization (looking at you, anti-vaxxers). And we haven’t even talked about his goddamn writing yet! | 8pm. Prices vary. Walnut Street Theatre, 825 Walnut St. walnutstreettheatre.org

Music | Astro Living Vol 2

We’ll never understand why events like this provide literally no information whatsoever on what the event actually is. Like, of course we can all look at look at the poster and see that it says “Hosted by DJ Whateverthehellthispersonthoughtwascool”, plus like four other people, and guess that it’s gonna involve music and it’s gonna be dancey and heck, maybe that’s all people really wanna know. But if it were us, we’d at least include a note somewhere that says something like … “dance music.” Or … “electronic music.” Or even … “night of insufferable douchery.” | 730pm. Prices vary. Voltage Lounge, 421 N. 7th St. eventbrite.com

Comedy | Improv: Jillroy & Rockefeller

Improv is so hit or miss. That’s probably part of the fun, but it’s hard not to tense up a little when you go to stuff like this, wondering if somebody might miss a beat (or ten), or maybe, worst case scenario, it just won’t be funny at all. But then you go see a show with people who actually know what they’re doing – like Jillroy & Rockefeller – and you feel the tension ease away as you scoot forward in your seat, hands already slapping your knees as you listen close and then closer for the next perfectly timed and completely improvised joke. | 9pm. $5. Philly Improv Theatre, 2030 Sansom St. eventbrite.com

Learn | Amalgam Book Club

If you’ve never been to Amalgam Comics & Coffeehouse, do yourself a favor and take a little trip there while you’ve got time off this week. It’s a beautiful space (with an admittedly wonky door—but hey, bloated wood is part of the charm!) and the owner is a Temple U. alum who’s doing her part to pour her blood, sweat and yes, even a few tears, into the Philly community. They host awesome events (like this monthly book club), plus they have great coffee, good food and amazing vibes. Oh, look at us getting all sincere. We don’t gush often, so you should know we really mean it. | 6pm. Free. Amalgam Comics & Coffeehouse, 2578 Frankford Ave. meetup.com

THURSDAY, JANUARY 3

Party | Get’cha Head in the Game

How friggin’ cool. Listen to this—”a Disney-themed karaoke and dance party.” We never knew it was possible to string all of those words together in a single sentence, but someone went and did it (DJ Deejay? Also, awful name, bro, but we’ll let it slide) and we legit couldn’t be happier. Karaoke is terrifying to do but awesome to watch and listen to and jeer (lightheartedly, of course). And everyone has at least one (secret or not) Disney song that they love and know by heart and listen to on repeat whenever they’re down. Dancing is cool too … as long as you don’t have to move too much. | 9pm. $5. The Fillmore, 29 E. Allen St. concerts1.livenation.com

Music/Comedy/Learn | Open Mic @ 16th & Spring Garden

We don’t often include open mics, and for good reason. That reason mostly being that they’re everywhere and happening all the time and so it’s not necessarily noteworthy when one is going down. But every once in a while we like to include one just so people don’t forget the fine folks still just trying to make it, the hope-rs and dreamers who pour their heart and soul into something they don’t really have a platform from which to share. Sure, make all the jokes you want, but remember this—at least the people onstage are willing to try, and that’s more than most can say. | 630pm. Free. Hussian College, 1500 Spring Garden St. eventbrite.com

Food | Paula’s Drag Kitchen

We don’t know Timothy Antwon Toler aka Paula Deen-White, the drag queen/chef extraordinaire who will be hosting this fine evening of food and fun and finery, but if we did, we’d definitely ask if there’s a Paula Deen angle to the stage name and whether it’s meant to mock the former celebrity chef’s, ahem, questionable cultural choices of the past. But that’s not what we’re here for. We’re here for Paula’s Drag Kitchen … just like we’re here for whatever funny shit we can all come up with to mock her leathery, overstuffed, race-baiting namesake. | 630pm. $8. Hussian College, 1500 Spring Garden St. eventbrite.com

Outdoors | Winter Solstice Bird Walk

No, Sweet Dee won’t be there, but that’s hella funny and we’re glad you made that connection too. It may not actually always be sunny in Philadelphia, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still plenty of options for the more outdoorsy amongst us. Take this event for example. Seriously, take it … just kidding. We were possessed by the spirit of Rodney Dangerfield for a second there. Wait … Rodney Dangerfield is dead, right? Somebody look that up, Alright, anyway … where were we? Oh right. “It’s Always Sunny” really is an amazing show. Don’t love the latest season though. | 4pm. Free. The Woodlands, 4000 Woodland Ave. woodlandsphila.org

Learn | Pop-Up Museum: Sports and Leisure

The holidays are finally over, so you know what that means—Eastern State Penitentiary has finally transformed from a spooky, terrifying trips into the bowels of history to, well, a spooky, terrifying trip into the bowels of history. Crazy how nature do that, huh? Just like it’s crazy how inmates found ways to stay fit and even – gasp! – have fun while incarcerated. This pop-up look into the past provides history buffs a glimpse of prisoner-made crafts, paintings, confiscated shanks and other weapons. That’s not just fun … that’s fun for the whole family! | 11am. Prices vary. Eastern State Penitentiary, 2027 Fairmount Ave. tickets.easternstate.org