Calendar: Dec. 20-27

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 20

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 20

Give Back | Homeless Memorial Day 2018

Certain people would have you believe the homeless are a nuisance. That they’re a stain on our otherwise beautiful city. That they wound up that way entirely on their own, due to failings of character or work ethic. But the sad truth is, people wind up living on the streets for a whole host of reasons, not the least of which is mental illness or a horrible home life. Which is to say, put a rich white guy in too-small shoes and feed him too-few meals from birth and see where the fuck he winds up. Homelessness isn’t a disease – it’s a symptom of something much, much worse. | 5pm. Free. Thomas Paine Plaza. 1401 John F. Kennedy Blvd. projecthome.org

Social | Naughty & Nice Holiday Party ft. Fat Joe

What the fuck happened to Fat Joe? We remember listening to his debut album – on CD! … on our Walkman! – on the bus during a middle school class trip. And then, poof, by some kind of early 2000s hip hop magic he was gone. But apparently his banishment to the land of Forgotten Rappers was not a forever kind of thing, because he’s about to rock your body with big fat (wink, wink) hooks and Latin-flavored fills as part of the Naughty & Nice Holiday Party at Cheerleaders. And if you’re wondering why in the hell we included this event, know that you’re encouraged to bring an unwrapped toy that will be donated to Chosen 300 Ministries. So there. | 4pm. Prices vary. Cheerleaders. 2740 S. Front St. cheerleadersphiladelphia.com

Social | Make Your Own Gingerbread House

The witch from Hansel & Gretel really had it right – gingerbread is fucking delicious. It’s crunchy and a little spicy, sweet but not so sweet that you find yourself needing to cut it with something salty. That being said, we really don’t know if gingerbread was the best choice for luring little kids (and yes, we know that the fairy tale is hundreds of years old and gingerbread may have been the sweetest thing Germanic villagers could get their hands on, but it’s a goddamn joke so just go with it) in out of the woods. We bet if the witch could do it all over again, she’d use Tide Pods. “Ooh, just look at the way it glistens, Gretel!” | 4pm. Free. Queen Memorial Library. 1203 S. 23rd St. philly.carpe-diem

Social | Jeffrey Sutorius

We don’t know Jeffrey Sutorius personally (or even as a musician/DJ/semi-pretty face to put on fliers for your entirely unnecessary party), nor do we know the owners of NOTO, Philly’s self-proclaimed “premier nightlife experience” (that’s right, not a club or a venue – an experience). Having said that, the only reason we included this event was to make fun of it. Which we sorta already did but also this – this seems terrible and douchey and exactly like the kind of elitist bullshit (they literally say they reserve the right to refuse entry to anyone not dressed to their liking) that makes certain parts of the city insufferable. So go, don’t go, just know that we’re watching, always watching. | 10pm. $20. NOTO Philadelphia. 1209 Vine St. seetickets.us

Drag | Guys and Dolls

Regular readers of the Calendar section of Philly Weekly will know that we’re totally onboard the whole drag queen party train. It’s glittery and gorgeous and so over-the-top that you have no choice but to succumb to its faux feminine wiles. We don’t, however, go in for musicals. We’re sorry, it’s just not our jam. That being said, perhaps the only way to make a musical truly palatable is to pump it up with some drag decor and turn the whole thing on its ungodly expensive wig. | 8pm. $10. L’etage. 624 S. 6th St. eventbrite.com

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21

Festivities |Around the Table Annual Kensington Christmas Party

Before you gather around the table with your own tribe to celebrate another wild year gone, gather at the Emerald Street Bridge in Kensington to give back to those who won’t be able to put presents under a tree or curl up beneath blankets with visions of sugarplums and true economic equality dancing in their heads. It was a huge success last year and all that’s being asked of you is to show up with Christmas cheer and maybe a few things worth donating. | 7pm. Free. Emerald Street Bridge, Kensington. Thetablephilly.org

Music | The LOX

We’ll excuse all the kiddies in the audience if they don’t know much about The LOX and/or Jadakiss specifically. Jada was a member of the Ruff Ryders (who out there remembers Eve?? Eve was the best), along with other early 90s hip hop luminaries like DMX, Swizz Beatz and, of course, Sheek Louch and Styles P, the other members of The LOX. So if you feel like throwing it way, way back this Friday, hit up the TLA for a night of Yonkers-born East Coast rap and memories. So many sweet, sweet memories. | 8pm. $20. TLA, 334 South St. Concerts1.livenation.com

Music | Drake Night: So Far Gone

Drake is talented. That’s not up for debate. But he also seems kinda … lazy? Like, under the guise of helping other talented young artists come up, he gets to just kinda leech off their style and earn himself even more money/fame/cred in the process. Maybe that’s cynical, but then again making music, as awesome as it is, shouldn’t earn someone enough money to buy a small island. A small island, yes, but it’s still an island. Anyway go to The Fillmore and dance to Drake’s music all night and help him get that second, slightly bigger island. | 9pm. $10. The Fillmore, 29 E. Allen St. concerts1.livenation.com

Music | Trans-Siberian Orchestra 2018

If you’ve never heard of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, or think it’s somehow possible that you’ve never heard anything by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, drop this paper and whatever else you might be doing and go listen to one of their songs on YouTube. Go ahead. We’ll wait. Oh, what’s that? You’ve been gone for two days, listening to nothing but epically over the top renditions of holiday classics? You’re welcome, you heathen. OK, next you’re going to google, “The Office Dwight Air Guitar Trans-Siberian Orchestra.” | 8pm. Prices vary. Wells Fargo Center, 3601 S. Broad St. ev15.evenue.net

Nightlife | Ugly Sweater Party at Howl at the Moon

You’re picturing it, aren’t you? You read the name of this event, and already you’ve got the perfect picture of the most unholy garment you’ve ever purchased (or been gifted – thanks, Aunt Mary Pat) waving limply in your mind. Now, picture yourself sliding that sinful piece of fabric over your head, snaking your hands through the itchy and somehow moist arms, then skulking to Howl at the Moon, where you drop the trench coat and proudly display your hideous holiday sweater for all the world to see. It’ll be fun, we promise. | 5pm. Prices vary. Howl at the Moon, 258 S. 15th St. hubs.howlatthemoon.com

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 22

Give Back | Clothing Drive + Misprint Sale: A Fundraiser for the VYH

The Synergy Project is a street outreach program by the Valley Youth House, which is designed to help runaway, homeless, nomadic and street youth, age 21 and under, in Bucks County, Philadelphia, Allentown and Dauphin County. Philadelphia Printworks is a screen printing workshop and a “social justice heritage brand.” Put the two together and you get the Clothing Drive + Misprint Sale. Buy misprinted clothes, donate stuff you don’t need, help the homeless live a little better this holiday season. | Noon. Free. Philadelphia Printworks, 1901 S. 9th St. philadelphiaprintworks.com

Music | WDAS Holiday Jam with Charlie Wilson

Ahem. From the event page for this evening’s proceedings … “105.3 WDAS, Live Nation and Gwynedd Mercy University are proud to present the 2018 WDAS Holiday Jam starring Charlie Wilson, with Special Guest Stokley of Mint Condition.” Now, show of hands – who knows what all of that means? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? OK, now another show of hands – who gets the reference we just made? Bueller? Bueller? OK, now one more show of hands – who knows what the hell The Gap Band is/was? | 8pm. Prices vary. The Met Philly, 858 N. Broad St. concerts1.livenation.com

Dance | The Nightmare Before Christmas Dance Party

It’s a demonic dance attack perfectly suited to all the black-clad, Christmas-loving weirdos out there. Seriously, if you don’t have a soft spot somewhere in that black hole of a heart for Tim Burton’s truly original take on holiday classics, then we simply can’t be friends. But that’s probably OK – we’re an alt weekly. We don’t have any friends. At least not since City Paper opened that mysterious door in the woods shaped like a smiling pumpkin and never returned. Sometimes, we think we can still hear the sounds of high-quality local journalism …  | 10pm. Prices vary. The Barbary, 951 Frankford Ave. philly.carpe-diem.events

Party | Free Paint Party

It’s not every day that an art gallery literally throws open its doors to the public and says, “come on in and paint whatever the hell you want.” So if we were you – which we’re not – and we had some free time on our hands – which we don’t, we’re an alt weekly and also time is a construct and life is fleeting – we’d head on over to October Art Gallery and see what kind of beautiful mess we could make out of some alone time – again, purely a construct – with an easel and a brush and the certainty that all this will, at some point, end in death. And probably sooner than you think! | 1pm. Free. October Art Gallery, 6353 Greene St. eventbrite.com

Festivities | SEPTA Holiday Celebration at Trolley Portal Gardens

Rain, rain go away … except for when it means they reschedule the Holiday Celebration at Trolley Portal Gardens and your kids get to go experience the magic of buses dressed up like some college kid drank too many eggnogs and vomited Christmas all over the seats on his way home. Kids ages 4-16 can ride for free, and parents desperately trying to survive until the New Year can get spiked hot chocolate for a mere $5 and the possibility of painting your bathroom in your own special brand of holiday cheer. | 10am. Free. Trolley Car Station, 3940 Chestnut St. iseptaphilly.com

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 23

Festival | Nightmare Before Christmas Horror Punk Fest

We’re going to take every opportunity to tout anything and everything related to “The Nightmare Before Christmas” because it’s a beautifully insane film that perfectly captures the unhinged mind of Tim Burton (not to mention our own propensity for dark humor and holiday-hating). To that end, definitely take time this Saturday to check out the Nightmare Before Christmas Horror Punk Fest which, frankly, we’re reluctant to explain because we know it’s going to be awesome and we really just want you to go in with an open mind. | 2pm. Prices TBA. Voltage Lounge, 421 N. 7th St. evensi.us/nightmare

Music | State Property

This hip hop group from Philly and featuring Beanie Sigel has about as interesting a background as any music act currently out there. As it turns out, State Property takes their name from … wait for it … “State Property.” Yep. A movie by the exact same name, and for which they did the soundtrack. We’re gonna be honest – we didn’t even know that movie existed or that it starred … yep, you guessed it. Beanie Sigel! But did you know who makes a cameo appearance in that film? Jay-mother-fucking-Z. Man, the early 2000s really were a wild time.  | 8pm. $30. The Fillmore, 29 E. Allen St. concerts1.livenation.com

Party | Festivus!

Ahh, yes. The holiday celebration for the rest of us. Festivus is a truly one-of-a-kind event, a test of both your patience and your ability to lift heavy things. Honestly, if you’re too young to have watched much “Seinfeld,” then you probably have no idea what in the hell we’re rambling on about. But if you … if you really do … then head on over to the Grey Lodge Pub for an evening of unadorned aluminum poles, a meatloaf dinner, Feats of Strength and everyone’s real favorite holiday tradition – the Airing of Grievances. None of this is a joke … but you are. | 5pm. Prices vary. The Grey Lodge Pub, 6235 Frankford Ave. greylodge.com

Movie | ‘Tank Girl’

Free movies are always awesome, Heck, anything free is usually awesome. Well, except for colonoscopies. You wanna pay for that shit – believe us. But you know what’s even awesomer than a free movie? When that free movie is “Tank Girl,” the mid-90s action flick starring Malcolm McDowell and Lori Petty as post-armageddon enemies dueling it out on a lawless, waterless Earth. Add in kangaroo-human hybrids called Rippers – plus the fact that both Ice-T and Naomi Watts are also somehow in this movie – and you’ll find there’s literally no better possible way you could spend your Saturday. | 7pm. Free. Century, 1350 S. 29th St. songkick.com

Food | Cocoa & Crepes Winter Pop-Up

We’re all about cocoa. We’re all about crepes (ever had a Nutella crepe? Sure, you can put strawberries or bananas or whatever kind of fruit in there if you want, but a straight-up, no-frills Nutella crepe is one of the greatest inventions on this stupid planet … honestly, we may just love Nutella, who knows?). We’re all about all the awesome pop-up holiday shit that goes on in and around Philly, because it really is the City of the Year (Thanks, GQ. What do we win?). So if you feel like we do, head over to A.kitchen for cocoa, crepes and a smug reminder that we’re the best damn city in the world. Yeah, that’s right. We said it. Frankly, it’s about damn time somebody did. | 11am. Free. A.kitchen, 135 S. 18th St. akitchenandbar.com

MONDAY, DECEMBER 24

Party | Matzah Bash @ Club NOTO

We have a confession to make. We, again, included an event from Club NOTO with the sole intent of making fun of it. But even before we could come up with some funny jabs about their “$200 bottle specials” or the sick beats sure to be dropped by DJ Suissa or even the fact that they maybe changed the name from Matzo Ball?, we realized that they had misspelled “matzah” on their Facebook event page. Maztah. That’s how they spelled it. That sounds like the worst sports car ever made. Sure, it gets great gas mileage, but it makes a constant whining sound and refuses to get married without its mother’s express permission. Matzah, guys. Or even matzo. It’s not hard. See? We did it. | Noon. Prices vary. NOTO Philadelphia, 1209 Vine St. eventbrite.com

Family Friendly | Disney On Ice presents Mickey’s Search Party

If you’ve got kids, chances are you’re already well aware this event is coming to Philly and probably shelled out a pretty penny to make sure your little monsters got to be front and center to see Mickey search for, well, whatever the hell it is he’s searching for. If not, then, hey, check out this whimsical and fun on-ice event where all your favorite Disney characters are something something something … OK, are they gone? OK good. Now, here’s the plan. When Mickey comes out we all start booing, but not like normal booing. Eagles fan in a rage booing. And that’s where the eggs come in … | Noon. Prices vary. Wells Fargo Center, 3601 S. Broad St. ev15.evenue.net

Learn | Enough Is Enough: Women’s Wellness Group

We’ve included this event before and we’ll keep including it as long as men continue to abuse women. Which, if my watch is correct, is not soon to be the case. Because a lot of men haven’t learned yet. Haven’t learned that women deserve every right they already possess. That treating the weaker as if they’re lesser is, itself, the weakest thing you can do. It’s not strength to attack those who can’t defend themselves. Or those who aren’t as strong. It’s strength to protect. To help. To support and love and be vulnerable. Don’t fear emotion; embrace it. | 630pm. Free. Uncle Bobbie’s Coffee & Books, 5445 Germantown Ave. unclebobbies.com

Dance | Oy to the World with RPDR’s Alexis Michelle!

Can someone please explain to me what Tabu Lounge & Sports Bar is? Because it sounds amazing. But for some reason, we can’t quite wrap our heads around the notion of a sports bar that also hosts awesome drag events like Oy to the World, a “dance party for people of Jewish faith and their allies.” Not that we don’t want it to be both a sports bar and a place where the outnumbered and their allies can gather, it’s more just that we have a hard time picturing it. So someone, please. Explain what it is. Help us to understand. Or maybe don’t? Not knowing is kind of awesome in itself. | 7pm. $20-$25. Tabu Sports Bar & Lounge, 254 S. 12th St. eventbrite.com

Drinks | Christmas Eve Cheer at Tinsel

We went a little Hannukah heavy there, so let’s throw a bone to those zany Christians. Well, that’s not really true is it? Because we have to guess that anyone with a particularly strong religious bent isn’t going out to a bar on Christmas Eve. Not that we’re trying to stereotype, of course, just that Xmas Eve is usually reserved for midnight masses and lighting candles, not midnight munchies and getting lit. Either way, head on over to The Bar Where Christmas Threw Up and throw back a bourbon or three to celebrate the holidays finally arriving/being over and/or the fact that you’re about to head home to the family. | 11am. Free. Tinsel, 116 S. 12th St. philly.carpe-diem.events

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25

Drinks | Merry Christmas Day at Tinsel

There seemed a kind of uber-appealing symmetry to ending our list of Christmas Eve events with a nightcap at Tinsel, only to start off our list of Christmas Day events with a winter warmer at, well, Tinsel. Religious or not, the holidays can be a stressful time – heck, if you’ve read The Scene with any frequency you know we’ve been inching ever closer to seasonal madness ourselves. But there’s at least one sure way to cure those holiday family fun time blues, and starts with al- and ends with -cohol. | 6pm. Free. Tinsel, 116 S. 12th St. philly.carpe-diem.events

Give Back | Alimah Scouts Annual Sisterhood Fundraiser Brunch

As we’ve said repeatedly, it can be hard around the holidays. People get stressed or feel left out for all kinds of reasons. And it can often feel a whole lot like the only things you hear about during the darker months are Christmas or Hanukkah. But the truth is, those aren’t the only groups, religious or otherwise, who will be gathering this winter. So if you’re a woman interested in the Muslim community or simply seeking sisterhood, head on over to Al Aqsa Islamic Academy for a free brunch and a chance to gather together in the name of community. | 930am. Free. Al Aqsa Islamic Academy, 1501 Germantown Ave. alimahscouts.org

Family Fun | Being _____ at Christmas

Just like the last event, it’s important to keep in mind at all times this holiday season that, no matter your particular affiliation, everyone just wants to love and be loved and feel a part of something. To that end, the National Museum of American Jewish History is hosting an event for, well, everyone. Tall, short, black, white, Eagles fan or, well, wait, no, no … we won’t go that far. But no matter where you call home or who you call God (assuming you call anyone God – ours is Beyonce), this event is for you. Just like Philly Weekly. | 10am. $12. National Museum of American Jewish History, 101 S. Independence Mall. nmajh.org

Party | Jungle Bells 6

It’s just not the holidays without a jungle-themed dance party. What’s that you say? You’ve never even heard of such a thing? Well, fuck off, Scrooge. This party’s bout to drop and we don’t want to miss a second of all the bass-bumpin’ badassery because we’re wasting our time talking to your stay-at-home ass. This is the sixth year of the so-called “Drum and Bassmas” and we legit couldn’t be more excited (or more confused) to be bringing you a short description of this event. | 9pm. $12. Voltage Lounge, 421 N. 7th St. purplepass.com

Nightlife | Camp Phuckit Presents: 2nd Annual Phestivus

We’ve built some goodwill with the Christians, the Jews, heck even the unabashed bass-chasers. What say we extend an olive branch to the straight up friggin’ weirdos amongst us? Camp Phuckit is, of course, a “Philadelphia-based art, music, general shenanigans collective and theme camp,” because who the fuck doesn’t need that? And the 2nd Annual Phestivus is an evening of “holly, jollies and lick’em lollies” … whatever that means. But whatever it actually is, it’s sure to be wild. Plus, they’re also collecting donations for Portside Arts Center, which helps underprivileged kids learn about the arts. | 8pm. Free. Saint Lazarus Bar, 102 W. Girard Ave. philly.carpe-diem.event

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26

Kid Friendly | Annual Kwanzaa Celebration

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again – the end of the year is a tough time. The holidays. The pressure to buy the perfect presents. The “fun” time you get to spend with your extended family. But at the end of it all, we still have stuff to celebrate, like the fact that we survived another year in the wild west that America has become (again). So take the time to celebrate, maybe even to learn. Take the time to teach yourself (and your kids) about another culture and find the common ground that certain people want you to believe simply doesn’t exist. Take the time to listen, and we bet someone somewhere will do the same for you. | Noon. Free. Free Library of Philadelphia, 1901 Vine St. philly.carpe-diem.events

Learn | Winter Break: The Crucial Days

It’s high-time you heathens got learnt. About ‘Merica. Seriously though, America’s history is, largely, terrible. Columbus was trying to find India and wound up being the reason behind a massive genocide. The Trail of Tears. Slavery. America is, like so many countries, a place where horrible things were done in the name of “freedom.” And while we’re still working out the kinks on that whole freedom being for everyone thing, it’s still a worthwhile endeavor to learn the history behind how a country as “free” as ours forms. | 10am. Free. Museum of the American Revolution, 101 S. 3rd St. amrevmuseum.org

Comedy | Comedy Allstars at Punch Line Philly

OK so, we did our best to bum you all out a little bit. A reality check should be just that – a check. A quick reminder. The truth is, you simply can’t spend all your time inside the “life is, at its core, terrible” bubble. You’ve got to give yourself a break once in a while, even if it’s just for an evening. That’s why we strive to balance all the meaningful shit with stuff like this. Grab a cocktail, grab a seat and let a lineup of hilarious comics take you away from all the awfulness that exists on the street (and in the White House). | 8pm. $15-$20. Punch Line Philly, 33 E. Laurel St. punchlinephilly.com

Party | Cocktails and Cold Ones

Presented by The Met Philly in the Rothman Orthopaedic Institute Cabin, this is winter in Philly’s answer to Center City District Sips during the summer. It’s pretty self-explanatory honestly – you go and you get drinks in Dilworth Park. No muss, no fuss. Bring a crew, go stag – either way just make sure you stay safe and warm and don’t end up shivering in a snowbank wondering how the heck you spun off the road. Drink responsibly, call an Uber, enjoy yourself. | 5pm. Free. Dilworth Park, 1 S. 15th St. centercityphila.org

Party | Smash City

Smash City, bish, Smash Smash City, bish. Who remembers that awful song that everyone loved for like five minutes? We think it was called “Rack City,” but honestly, we couldn’t be bothered to look it up. Anyway, if you’ve got the gaming chops and the itch to lay the smash down on some fools, this is the event for you. You gotta pay to play, of course, but for a seasoned gamer with skills to back up their trash talk, there’s no reason you shouldn’t head home a winner. | 4pm. $10. Localhost, 908 N. 3rd St. localhostphilly.com

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27

Music | Barber Acoustic

Fans of the Philly jam band scene will already know Jon “Barber” Gutwillig well. He’s the guitarist and one of the mad minds behind Disco Biscuits, that ridiculous, four hour-plus concert giggin’, play until 3am and then some jam/electronic/funk/everything band. Here, you’ll get to see his … quieter side. Though we’re willing to bet it’s really not that quiet. Either way, World Cafe Live is a great venue and we should probably be making more of a point to espouse its many virtues. | 8pm. $25. World Cafe Live, 3025 Walnut St. ticketfly.com

Political | Councilman Curtis Jones, Jr. Annual Black Party Fundraiser

So there’s a whole “VIP Reception” part of the evening that starts at 6pm, but we’ll just pretend that doesn’t exist and Councilman Jones is really just hoping to glad-hand a bunch of caring constituents. The truth probably isn’t quite so rosy, but the reason we’re including this is to say that politics starts at the local level. If you care about shit that The Orange Goblin in Chief is doing – or trying to do – the surest way to make your voice heard and make an impact is to go to parties like this and harangue your local councilman into doing what’s right. | 8pm. $50. Please Touch Museum, 4231 Avenue of the Republic. Pleasetouchmuseum.org

Festival | Tigers Jaw Presents Otherly Love

We don’t know for a fact if this is technically considered a festival, but considering the fairly long list of bands and the sweet-ass poster they made, we’re gonna go ahead and call it cool. Tigers Jaw is a possibly grammatically incorrect but otherwise pretty cool rock band from the far flung reaches of Scranton, PA. Seriously though, I’d love to sit down with the band and ask them what their name means and whether or not it’s meant to be possessive. The idea of tigers jawing at one another is awesome and all, but not something we think they can actually do? | 530pm. $25. The Fillmore, 29 E. Allen St. concerts1.livenation.com

Music | Dave East

The arch nemesis of Steve West, cousin to Jeff South and brother to Mark North, Dave East is a rapper, just in case the photo above didn’t give it away. And before anyone gets upset, the only thing we were pointing out was the champagne. Between champagne and 40s, seemingly the drink of choice of posing rappers, we much prefer a 40. 40s are awesome by the by. You can get drunk for legit like, $2.50. It’s a college kid’s wet dream (if you drink two of them, you’ll probably pass out and piss yourself, so that’s at least a little literal). | 8pm. Prices vary. TLA, 334 South St. concerts1.livenation.com

Music | David Wax Museum

What is it with indie bands and the propensity for these names that just make you go, “hm, that’s definitely an indie hipster band that undoubtedly employs elements of ‘folk’ music?” We don’t know the answer, but we also don’t really know what “folk” means anymore. It used to mean a specific thing but, kind of like indie, it seems to have taken on a whole new meaning that’s so much broader than its original intent. In this instance, it means Latin rhythms and call-and-response. But Suz Slezak, one part of the duo that makes up David Wax Museum, is actually a singer and fiddler with deep experience in Irish folk. So, in this rare instance, folk actually means what it’s supposed to mean. | 8pm. $15. The Locks Music, 4417 Main St. eventbrite.com