Calendar: Dec. 13-20



Social | 11th Annual Holiday Lights Run

If you run for fun, why the hell not run for charity? Seriously, you jerk. You’ve been wasting all that time getting your stupid body into shape for nothing. When, instead, you could have been running for a cause, pumping your stupid legs so that somebody less fortunate can have a holiday that’s a bit brighter than it otherwise would have been. Well, now’s your chance to attone. Join the South Philly Striders and the Fishtown Beer Runners for their 11th annual Holiday Lights Run. And make sure to donate to Philabundance or bring some stupid cans of stupid non perishables, along with your stupid ass. | 7pm. Free. Columbus Square. 1200 Wharton St.

Movie | Free Screening of ‘Victoria’ Season 3 Premiere

PBS Masterpiece series ‘Victoria’ is back and better than ever for a third season of intrigue and big, poofy dresses. Seriously though, Victoria really isn’t your mother’s monarch, and not just because your mother surely wasn’t born before 1875 and thus had never lived during Queen Victoria’s reign. She was a woman of substance, not particularly attractive but determined to project an air of beneficence. Plus, she’s quoted as saying, “The important thing is not what they think of me, but what I think of them,” which is pretty ballsy. | 7pm. Free. WHYY. 150 N 6th St.

Music | Eve 6

Holy. Shit. This takes us back. We honestly had no idea Eve 6 was still a thing. We might have even forgotten that Eve 6 was a thing. But they were and apparently they still are, surely rocking audiences with shows that you just know end with “Inside Out.” In fact, excuse us while we take a break to go listen to that song on repeat for the next week or three. We’ll swallow our doubt and head out to the show to thank these guys for providing a perfect soundtrack for our late 90s/early 2000s angst. We think you should do the same. Even if it’s just this one rendezvous, then you’re through with them. | 8pm. $25. The Fillmore. 29 E. Allen St.

Social | The Aunt Mary Pat LIVE! Holiday Experience

We’re not really sure if this technically falls under the label of drag show, though it’s certainly of a similar kind. And since we’ve already made our feelings on drag shows (absolutely, 100 percent pro), we won’t go deep into that part of it. But we will say that everyone has an Aunt Mary Pat and if you think you don’t, you’re just not paying close enough attention. This hilarious show will leave you howling, both from laughter and also the pain of knowing what awaits you during the holidays. | 7pm. Prices vary. Tabu Lounge. 254 S. 12th St.

Social | bar amis vs. Kensington Quarters Cage Match

Two chefs enter … two chefs leave. And honestly, they’ll probably both still feel pretty good about themselves. Sure, do the notoriously competitive chefs probably feel like there’s something at stake? Yeah. But we’re willing to bet that when bar amis Culinary Director Brad Spence goes head to head with Zahav alum and current Kensington Quarters executive chef Matt Harper in a 4-course culinary battle, it’ll be intense and delicious. And we also bet this marketing stunt will go a long way toward making the “loser” of this battle feel a whole heck of a lot like a winner. | 7pm. $60. bar amis. 4503 S. Broad St.


Music | Ozuna

We’ve decided it’s our new mission to start getting behind more musicians who fall outside the mainstream. And that’s not to say Ozuna isn’t mainstream—he’s headed to Philly for Aura 2018, his third US tour, after being named Billboard’s Top Latin Artist of 2018—but we’re willing to bet there’s a fair amount of you who’ve never even heard his name before, let alone a single bar of his music. So if you’re into reggaeton and/or Latin trap (and, come on, who isn’t?) then head on over to the Liacouras Center for a kick ass night and some sweat-worthy international flavor. | 8pm. Prices vary. The Liacouras Center. 1776 N. Broad St.

Music | Ween

We’ll be completely honest; Ween was one of those bands we just never quite got. They’re weird and musically interesting in all the right kind of ways, but the actual music is something a little too goofy for our tastes. Kind of like Mac DeMarco, we know it’s cool, or at the very least interesting, but we just couldn’t ever make that connection that so many people seemed able to make. Which may say more about us because people who love Ween really fucking love Ween. To that end, we don’t think we have to sell this one too hard—if you’re going to the show you’ve probably already got a ticket. | 8pm. Prices vary. The Met Philly. 858 N. Broad St.

Social | Sad & Boujee

We’re all-in on this event and not just because it sounds interesting as hell, which, come on; it’s an emo-meets-trap rap party the likes of which the world has never seen (and probably never asked for), so you know it’s gonna be strange as all get out. But this kind of weird can only bear the most beautiful of fruit. And look at that fucking picture! Post Malone is an oddly taciturn, mercurial music-maker with tendencies that run from trap to country and back again. Using his unwashed ass for the poster was a stroke of genius matched only by the decision to create this event in the first place. | 10pm. $15. The Voltage Lounge. 421 N. 7th St.

Market | BloodMilk & Friends Night Market

This is the 5th installment of an event that without even trying just vaulted itself to the top of the leaderboards for Best F*ckin’ Event Name on the Planet/in Philly/Philly is the World and Everywhere Else is Just Ohio. Anywho, this event is all about the mighty minerals we mine to make ourselves matching septum rings and ankle bracelets (not the state-issued kind). Browse jewelry from a bevy of local artists and enjoy cocktails and music while you peruse the ample pickins for your future goin’ out look. Share a story, drink a cocktail, make sure you’re 21-plus. | 7pm. Free. Tattooed Mom. 530 South St.

Social | Shabbat Soiree

Usually, we’d tell any event with the word “soiree” in it (used unironically, of course) to go jump in the Susquehanna. But this one piqued our interest because there are a lot more of the Chosen folk in Philly than one might think and it’s not often they get their due. This particular event, meant for young Jewish professionals, is all about the grind and the gab. Sure, have some snacks and enjoy their “insane open bar” (whatever that means), but make sure you’ve got your networking girdle tied tight—it’s about to get social. | 730pm. Prices vary. Old City Jewish Art Center. 119 N. 3rd St.


Festival| Polar Express Family Festival

This is one adventurous afternoon the kiddies are sure to never forget (except, of course, for when they become teenagers and their rapidly developing brain suddenly destroys all memory of the countless hours of love and care that went into hand-raising them from infancy and instead focuses in on how unbelievably uncool you are and no, you can’t drop them off out front of the mall, drop me in back like Jared’s mom does, it’s the least you could do after not getting that SpaceX flamethrower I asked for for Christmas). With a bevy of activities and a whole hour and a half with the Clause Clan, it’s sure to be fun for the whole family … right? Right!?. | 5pm. Prices vary. Please Touch Museum. 4231 Avenue of the Republic Ave.

Nightlife | Philadelphia Santapalooza 2018

Philly’s answer to New York’s SantaCon, Santapalooza is sure to be one hell of a time. It’s gonna be fun, it’s gonna be wild and it’s gonna turn to a shit show around 6pm. If you’ve never seen a crew of Lady Santa’s crowded around a downed compatriot swimming in a soup of regurgitated beer and Rumplemintz as Santa’s Way Too Drunk Elf Boyfriends shout profanities at the Bouncer of Good Times Past, then you don’t know what holiday cheer really looks like. | 4pm. Prices vary. JJ Bootleggers. 35 S. 2nd St.

Music| Pentatonix

Show of hands—who loves complex voice-only covers of Christmas tunes and pop standards? Ok, now anyone who wasn’t in an a capella group in college, put your hands down. One, two, three … ok, we’ve got a few of you left. That’s probably enough to go ahead and include this event. Honestly, if four of you are into any one event we’re gonna call that a win. So whether you spent your collegiate years as part of the Tone Rangers or not, head out to the brand spankin’ new Met Philly for a night of holiday cheer and impressive vocal arrangements that’ll be sure to make you say, “huh, that’s cool.” | 7pm. Prices vary. The Met Philly. 858 N. Broad St.

Market | Fishtown Flea Holiday Market

Have you ever been to a La Colombe outside of the flagship store in Philadelphia? We have and, not to say that they’re bad or anything, because they’re absolutely not, but the La Colombe on Frankford is the friggin’ bee’s knees. Great food, great caffeine—it’s a top notch spot that we’re all lucky to have. Add in the fact that they host awesome events like this holiday flea market featuring a variety of vendors and local makers like Printfresh, Hemlock and Hyde, and Llani, and it’s about time you heathens started showing some god damn appreciation (just kidding … mostly). | 7pm. Free. La Colombe. 1335 Frankford Ave.

Market | Holiday Art Star Pop Up Market

Featuring 30 specially curated art and crafts vendors, this is the holiday market to end all holiday markets … ok, not really. But there a fuckton of holiday markets in Philly and we’re honestly not sure how to differentiate between them anymore. We’re not complaining by any means—Philly being such an artistic and creative-friendly city is amazing and one of a million reasons it’s better than some other big east coast cities we won’t mention (ahem, ahem). But god damn, Philly. At what point do we just hand the keys over to the craft stores and call it a year? Oh we already did? Oh ok. | 11am. Free. Cherry Street Pier. 121 N. Columbus Blvd.


Games | Harry Potter Yule Brunch & Quizzo

Acid pops. Cockroach clusters. Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. Besides butterbeer, does any food item from the Harry Potter universe actually sound all that appealing? No. The answer is no. So let’s pray to Harry and Hagrid and Hermione (and hey, Ron too) that The Victoria Freehouse doesn’t get it in their heads to serve chocolate frogs or Fred And George’s Skiving Snackboxes, because you won’t be tasting the wonder of the wizarding world—you’ll be tasting diabetes wrapped in unnecessary alliteration. | 1pm. $35. The Victoria Freehouse. 10 S. Front St.

Nightlife | Dress to Impress Holiday Cocktail Party

Anybody’s who’s anybody will be at the Dress to Impress Holiday Cocktail Party hosted by Philly Social … ya know what? No. We can’t even pretend to hop onboard that pretentious party train. This boujee-ass event is put on to benefit Philabundance and that’s all that really matters. So get all gussied up and head out to Howl at the Moon if you want to, just make sure you know it’s not about you or your “red carpet entrance” (yeah, that shit’s real), but the good work of the few giving souls left in the world and the less fortunate they make it their mission to help. | 7pm. Prices vary. Howl at the Moon. 258 S. 15th St.

Social | Trap n’ Paint Philly

It’s cuffing season, kids, and you know what that means—trap music and paint by numbers. We shit you not. This is definitely one of those events that’s so weird, it just might work. Like, the weather’s getting cold and you start seeing all these stupid couples on the street holding hands and just throwing their dumb love right in your face. But wait! What’s that I hear? The gentle sounds of Migos as a crew of co-eds drink and laugh and paint beautiful pictures of bootys. Then next thing you know … bam! It’s three months later and you can’t wait for summer to start so you can kick that co-ed to the curb. | 3pm. $35. Pulaski Hall. 1653 W. Hunting Park Ave.

Social | Move with Us

Ever had yerba mate? It’s delicious, it’s warming and it’ll set you the fuck off. Seriously, there’s so much damn caffeine in it that if Gritty drank some he’d probably buy a suit, get a real job, work his way up to CEO, burn the place to the ground Mitt Romney-style, blow all the money on black tar heroin and then show up for that night’s Flyers game, all in a matter of hours. As such, the fact that there’s a yerba mate made specifically for night lifers makes so much goddamn sense. Wanna stay up for the next three days choking glow sticks and grinding your teeth? No coke required! | 6pm. $15. Silk City Diner Bar & Lounge. 435 Spring Garden St.

Health | Philly Wellness Festival: A Sensual Experience

Ok we got one in for the binky-sucking beat-chasers, so let’s go the complete opposite direction and hit one for the healers, the hopers, the “oh yeah, it’s totally organic and gluten free, plus it’s blessed by a Tibetan monk who once touched the Dalai Llama’s left butt cheek, it’s honestly the purest and most expensive water I’ve ever tasted, I can just feel my chakras blooming.” The Philly Wellness Festival is your chance to experience the world of wellness, mindfulness and sensuality. Honestly, there’s like a 75% chance this gets real weird, real fast, but we’re on that find out firsthand tip so … Goop it up! | 8am. Prices vary. Sensual City. 300 N. 32nd St.

Give Back | Pawtiday Adoption Event

This is the second day of a two-day event, so if you’re worried you can’t make it Sunday, don’t fret—you’ll have a chance to take home a furry new friend Saturday as well. And while we’re always careful to avoid the whole, “it’s the holiday season, adopt a pet for your kids/friends/significant other” because those are the pets that end up right back in the shelter in January, we think it’s important to let Philly know anytime adoption fees are being halved and adorable animals are seeking homes. | 10am. Free. ACCT Philly. 111 W. Hunting Park Ave.


Social | Silent Night Sing-In

It’s nearly been 200 years of “Silent Night”, and to commemorate the song’s bicentennial birthday, The Kimmel Center is hosting a sing-in (no, it’s not politically motivated, please save your angry letters for when we promote Anti-straight White Guy Night at Wells Fargo Center next week). This event actually sounds amazing—it’s open to anyone who can sing and wants to join in. All you’ve gotta do is brush up on your part, based on vocal range, then meet up in the lobby of The Kimmel Center on the night of the event for a quick runthrough prior to the performance. Did we say anyone could sign up? Legit anyone. | 7pm. Free. The Kimmel Center. 300 S. St.

 Music | Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake aka JT aka The Prettiest Man in Music/Showbiz aka The Artist Formerly Known as The Cute One From N’Sync … or was that Joey? Just kidding! We know it was Nick Carter. Wait. What do you mean Nick Carter wasn’t in N’Sync!? Then who was the one with the blow out who looked like Jack from “Will & Grace”? Are we losing our minds? Has all the uber-sweet holiday cheer finally rotted our memory away to nothing!? Anyway, go see Justin Timberlake. | 7pm. Prices vary. Wells Fargo Center. 3601 S. Broad St.

Movie | ‘Elf’

Different generations will always prefer one Christmas classic to another. For baby boomers it’s probably the old stop motion animation Frosty the Snowman. For the slightly younger crowd, maybe it’s Christmas Vacation (we can only hope). And for the extra olds, it’s probably A Christmas Story and/or It’s a Wonderful Life. For millenials, it’s probably a toss-up between Vacation and Elf. We’re gonna go ahead and give the slight edge to Elf because Will Ferrell is hilarious and the scene where Buddy sits on Santa’s lap and calls him a fraud is comedy gold. | 630pm. $3. The Trocadero. 1003 Arch St.

Social | Holiday Vegan Drinks

The Humane League of Philadelphia is putting on a little shindig at Tattooed Mom for all the vegetarians, vegans and animal lovers this side of the Susquehanna (and heck, even the other side, pretty much all are welcome as long as you love animals and aren’t a dick). You’ll even get to enjoy half off Tattooed Mom’s Meatless Mondays menu, making this event a mouthful (yuck yuck, we crack ourselves up—oh hey, and we rhymed. We’re poets but we’re fully aware of it just check out our slam poem “Ode to the Orange Goblin of My Nightmares (and Presidency)). | 6pm. Free. Tattooed Mom. 530 South St.


Social | Beer and Bonsai

We gotta admit, this event’s a little pricier than we expected. And usually, that’s good enough to get it knocked off the highly sought after and incredibly selective Philly Weekly Calendar Section Podium. But in all honesty, we just friggin’ love bonsai trees. Just look at em’. All small and cute and ancient. Like little old men who’ve seen too much, weathered too many storms and somehow lived to tell the tale. So if you feel some kinda way about bonsai, just like we do, head on over to Love City for an evening of brews and learning to tend to your own tiny little tree-shaped old man. | 7pm. $53. Love City Brewing. 1023 Hamilton St.

Music | Lindsey Stirling

Lindsey Stirling sounds like the drag name that Republican Senator Lindsey Graham would come up with for himself. And if you’re saying, “that’s not even a cool drag name, especially when you put it up against luminaries like Farrah Moan and Jinkx Monsoon,” know that we hear you. But think about it like this—Graham is a mincing, self-important and ultimately unimaginative prick, so of course his drag name would still have to include his actual name, while simultaneously being probably the most boring pseudonym possible. At the very least we can all agree that he would make a hideous queen and that the real Lindsey Stirling is immensely talented. Where were we? | 8pm. Prices vary. The Met Philly. 858 N. Broad St. 

Music | Aural Fixation

Featuring NO SIR E, QQQ, Pastaboss and Stamoulo, this is a night of electronic music aimed at the more, shall we say, experimental among us. That’s right, kids. Lab coats. Base solutions. Alcohol lamps. Distillation glassware. Moisture analyzers for fuckin’ days. It’s gonna be … wait. Wait. Oh, we’re getting word from our Editors that this is not, in fact, at all what this evening is going to be about. Oh, you meant experimental like “vaguely different from other electronic music?” Oh. Ok then. That’s cool too. | 8pm. $8. Silk City Diner. 435 Spring Garden St.

Comedy | Keith2x Comedy Showcase

We gotta say—the Trocadero is a god damn treasure. That place hosts some of the strangest, most random-ass events and we couldn’t be happier that it’s located within the comfy confines of Philly. Plus, after you see your random-ass show, you can go around the corner and get some bangin’ dumplings and/or dim sum. We in the biz like to call that a win-win. So check out this comedy showcase hosted by Keith2x and then treat yourself to some spicy peanut noodles after—you can thank us for the recommendation/life lesson later. | 8pm. $5. Trocadero Theatre. 1003 Arch St.

Learn | Science After Hours: Holiday Bizarre

Ok, so obviously the intent of “Science After Hours” is to be tongue-in-cheek, playing off the fact that they serve cocktails and start the events later at night and giving it a somewhat salacious name, so we get it. Still, this event conjures images in our mind of some kind of Dan Savage-approved evening where you’re meant to leave your inhibitions (and clothes) at the door before you enter the “Science After Hours” sex vault for an evening of bizarre holiday-themed sex acts. That’s what you’re all thinking too, right? Right!? | 7pm. $20. The Franklin Institute. 222 N 20th St.


Social | Woodland Santa Hike

Ok, so we just told you to get high—literally. So now we’re gonna suggest you get out into the woods and work off some of that weed and beer and pie and whatever else you stuffed your face with the night before. If you can manage the hangover, head to Wissahickon Environmental Center for a nice wander in the woods to find woodland Santa and his woodland deer. And if you’re a parent or just, ya know, not a degenerate, then ignore everything we said initially and just go and have fun with your kids! | 10am. Free. Wissahickon Environmental Center. 300 W. Northwestern Ave.

Social | Drink Philly’s Holiday Cocktail Classic

We have a confession to make. And, as much as it will hurt us, we think it’s important you know. Ok, here goes … we used to live in New York City. Phew. And if you’re saying, “how did an alt-weekly live in a different city,” know that we’re an actual person and you’re fucking stupid. Anyway. We told you that to tell you this—Philly’s culinary and cocktail scene rivals its supposedly bigger, better brother in all the right kind of ways. New York is stuffy and overpriced and, kinda like you, stupid. Philly is sharp and edgy and open to sharing their awesomeness with anyone who wants in on the fun. | 8pm. $40. Center / Architecture + Design. 1218 Arch St.

Social | Bar 57 Ugly Sweater Night

Listen, if they want to call themselves “Philly’s highest holiday pop-up bar,” that’s totally fine, just know that it’s not accurate unless there’s a dude at the door handing out spliffs as soon as you walk in. Otherwise it’s just another holiday pop-up bar as far as we’re concerned. But if you’ve got an ugly sweater and you wanna make the entire city proud, head to Bar 57 with your vape pen and get lit like the goddamn hero you are. | 6pm. $10. One Liberty Observation Deck. 1650 Market St.

Learn | Know Yourself, Know Your Worth Salary Negotiation Workshop

It’s tough out there these days. And not just because we have an Orange Goblin as the figurehead of a government that seems increasingly uninterested in reflecting the values of the people it’s meant to serve. This event is for anyone who’s ever been offered a temp-to-full time position only for the full time position to suddenly, after six months of hard work, evaporate into thin air. The people with four freelance gigs and no health insurance. The people who are too afraid to push back because, well, what if? This Christmas, know your worth, and learn to fight like hell for it. | 6pm. Prices vary. Temple University Main Campus. 1515 Market St.

Learn | Author Event w/ John Patrick Leary

A lot of people might say that the last event and this event are not in any way related. Those people would be capitalist fat cats with too much money and a penchant for bullshit … probably. Capitalism itself isn’t the (only) issue, but left unchecked, people will always eventually give into their darker urges, collecting far more than they need, even if it comes at the direct expense of others. And while John Patrick Leary’s new book, “Keywords: The New Language of Capitalism,” isn’t necessarily about the failings of our current economic system, it does pull apart at the seams the language we use to construct a value-based hierarchy built on the back of cheap labor and in the exhausting and never-ending pursuit of something called “success.” | 6pm. Prices vary. Temple University Main Campus. 1515 Market St.


Give Back | Homeless Memorial Day 2018

Certain people would have you believe that the homeless are a nuisance. That they’re a stain on our otherwise beautiful city. That they wound up that way entirely on their own, due to failings of character or work ethic. But the sad truth is, people wind up living on the streets for a whole host of reasons, not the least of which is mental illness or a horrible home life. Which is to say, put a rich white guy in too-small shoes and feed him too-few meals from birth and see where the fuck he winds up. Homelessness isn’t a disease—it’s a symptom of something much, much worse. | 5pm. Free. Thomas Paine Plaza. 1401 John F. Kennedy Blvd.

Music | Naughty & Nice Holiday Party ft. Fat Joe

What the fuck happened to Fat Joe? We remember listening to his debut album – on CD! … on our Walkman! – on the bus during a middle school class trip. And then, poof, by some kind of early 2000s hip hop magic he was gone. But apparently his banishment to the land of Forgotten Rappers was not a forever kind of thing, because he’s about to rock your body with big fat (wink, wink) hooks and Latin-flavored fills as part of the Naughty & Nice Holiday Party at Cheerleaders. And if you’re wondering why in the hell we included this event, know that you’re encouraged to bring an unwrapped toy, which will be donated to Chosen 300 Ministries. So there. | 4pm. Prices vary. Cheerleaders. 2740 S Front St.

Social | Make Your Own Gingerbread House

The witch from Hansel & Gretel really had it right—gingerbread is fucking delicious. It’s crunchy and a little spicy, sweet but not so sweet that you find yourself needing to cut it with something salty. That being said, we really don’t know if gingerbread was the best choice for luring little kids (and yes, we know that the fairytale is hundreds of years old and gingerbread may have been the sweetest thing Germanic villagers could get their hands on, but it’s a goddamn joke so just go with it) in out of the woods. We bet if the witch could do it all over again, she’d use Tide Pods. “Ooh, just look at the way it glistens, Gretel!” | 4pm. Free. Queen Memorial Library. 1203 S. 23rd St. philly.carpe-diem

Social | Jeffrey Sutorius

We don’t know Jeffrey Sutorius personally (or even as a musician/DJ/semi-pretty face to put on flyers for your entirely unnecessary party), nor do we know the owners of NOTO, Philly’s self-proclaimed “premier nightlife experience” (that’s right, not a club or a venue—an experience). Having said that, the only reason we included this event was to make fun of it. Which we sorta already did but also this—this seems terrible and douchey and exactly like the kind of elitist bullshit (they literally say they reserve the right to refuse entry to anyone not dressed to their liking) that makes certain parts of the city insufferable. So go, don’t go, just know that we’re watching, always watching. | 10pm. $20. NOTO Philadelphia. 1209 Vine St.

Drag | Guys and Dolls

Regular readers of the Calendar section of Philly Weekly will know that we’re totally onboard the whole drag queen party train. It’s glittery and gorgeous and so over the top that you have no choice but to succumb to its faux feminine wiles. We don’t, however, go in for musicals. We’re sorry, it’s just not our jam. That being said, perhaps the only way to make a musical truly palatable is to pump it up with some drag decor and turn the whole thing on its ungodly expensive wig. | 8pm. $10. L’etage. 624 S. 6th St.