Infidelity, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. That doesn’t mean you won’t find people who agree with your personal assessment of what “counts” as physical or emotional cheating. You can find plenty of others who will vigorously argue that rooting for another sports team, liking someone’s Instagram comment, or watching ahead on a TV series is fucking betrayal. But it doesn’t matter what your friend, your mom, the dating experts, or 3,000 people on Twitter believe. What matters are the agreements made in the relationship.
Reasonable people can disagree on what crosses a line into infidelity, especially when it comes to actions that are not explicitly erotic and physical: so-called emotional cheating. As a concept, emotional cheating is making a “unilateral decision to cultivate nonsexual intimacy with someone other than their primary romantic partner in a way that weakens or undermines the relationship,” according to couples therapist Alicia Muñoz.
>> Use Spokeo To Catch a Cheater >>
She says that someone can feel “emotionally cheated on by partners who share too much with friends, work colleagues, or even family members, people with whom there’s no romantic frisson whatsoever.” What takes something across the line is not the who or what but how it impacts the relationship. Does it strengthen and support your connection, or does it cause erosion?
In a piece reviewed by psychologist Jacquelyn Johnson, these behaviors were listed as possible indications of emotional cheating:
- Spend more time talking to (or thinking about) the other person than your partner
- Avoid mentioning them to your partner
- Know they’re attracted to you
- Notice physical signs of chemistry around them
- Feel less physically or emotionally attracted to your partner
- Share frustration or dissatisfaction with your relationship with them
- Wish your partner could be more like them
- Avoid open communication with your partner
- Secretly have a profile on a discreet dating app
Some of these items are only relevant to sexually monogamous partnerships. If you and your partner have sex with or date other people consensually, feeling attraction to someone else may not be an issue. In an open relationship, the problem isn’t desire or even sexual activity, it’s more often the secretiveness. This again reinforces the point that what matters is whether the behavior brings you closer together or pushes you apart.
Related Articles:
We asked folks on social media what counts as emotional cheating to them and received a variety of answers!
“Keeping and actively using dating sites when you’re under the impression that you and your partner are monogamous, and then not owning up to it.” – Jesse.
“I consider cheating to be something intentionally hidden.” – Lynne.
“When someone decides they don’t want to be with you anymore but doesn’t have a conversation about it and continues acting like everything is fine” – Lexie.
“I think any intimate relationship that you hide from or mislead your partner about is cheating.” – Scott.
“Lies.” – Olivia.
“I do not like when a partner has private flirtatious conversion, engages in planning to meet up with someone without my knowledge, and otherwise makes an emotional romantic or sexual connection with someone in a monogamous partnership.” – Hillary.
“I’ve been emotionally cheated on twice, and each time it involved my partner at the time cultivating a deeper than platonic interest with someone with none of that information coming back my way while it was happening. In both instances, it all came out in a heap after weeks/months.” – Joel.
“I practice non-monogamy, and in my experience with intentionally crafting relationship agreements, emotional cheating is anything that violates the agreed boundaries that I set with my partner. For example, if my partner and I have agreed not to date or pursue each other’s close friends, emotional cheating would be my partner initiating flirtation / getting emotionally intimate with one of my close friends.” – Kaitlyn.
“If I start feeling the tremors of disinterest, neglect, or secrecy in my relationship, and it is because of an interaction with someone else, and there’s no communication about it with me at all, as far as I am concerned, there’s some kind of infidelity occurring.” – Eris.
“What made it cheating to me was the fact that he was going to this woman with all of our relationship problems and trying to solve them through talking to her. In the process, they became closer and closer as we drifted further and further apart. So, I’d say it’s an emotional investment in another person that exceeds the amount of effort that you’re putting into your current relationship.” – Vanessa.
“I think that the line between having really close friends and emotional cheating can be blurred. But, in general, if you’re in such a friendship and your partner doesn’t know about that person, or you have conversations that you feel like you have to hide, then you’re crossing that line.” – Charles.
“Lack of communication, attention, and respect. The person emotionally disappears while physically present.” – Michelle.
“Anything you feel like you “can’t” tell your partner about. Even if it’s a simple text message, if you feel the need to hide it, then it’s emotional cheating” – Kiki.
>> Catch a Cheater With Spokeo >>
Clearly, there are some areas of alignment, but again the most relevant factor isn’t the majority opinion but what would make you or your partner feel betrayed. It’s entirely possible to cross boundaries without realizing it. If these lines have never been discussed. Perhaps it’s a good time to check in and find out what you each would deem unacceptable.
